With his exams coming up my son was told to stop burying his head in the sand.
"That's no way to treat a teacher." The police told him.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on exhuming .
The librarian says; "Let me just dig it out."

My dad wouldn't hurt a fly.
Which his why he lost his job at Rentokil.

I'm a big believer in Girl-power
I mean those corpses in my garden produce enough methane to power my table lamp

What do Audley Harrison and JLS have in common?
They both had a hit with one shot.

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.
And a conjunction is a bad thing to begin a sentence with.

I work in the council's housing department and last week I was accused of restricting offers of accommodation to members of ethnic minorities.
I issued them with a flat denial.

My mate's got a brilliant handlebar moustache.
It keeps his hands warm cycling to work.

My mate accused me of exaggerating the scores at Scrabble last night.
I think he had a point.

Why don't Welsh people wear their new trainers to play football?
Because it Wrexham.

I saw a man walking down an icy hill the other day, when he stopped and took out a cigarette. He then threw it, and the packet, in the bin, before sliding and falling down the road.
I don't blame him.
It's a slippery slope.

Doctor- I think I've got Hermes.
Don't you mean herpes?
No. I think I'm a carrier.

I'm a highly successful dairy farmer in France, but sadly my move to England isn't working out too well.
What is it that we love about 'belle cheese' that you English don't?

Teacher: Why can a person`s hand never be more than eleven inches?
Pupil: Because if it were twelve inches,it would be a foot......

My Mrs asked me today if I thought she was fat.
"No. You just look like averaged sized someone far away, but REALLY close up"
Im now single

I started a new job yesterday, and decided to hit the ground running.
As I eagerly rushed into the building, I tripped over the step and broke my nose.

Everytime I climb on top of the wife she shouts, "Get off."
Well I'm not doing it for any other reason.

My mate was telling me about this Scottish guy who made all sorts of brilliant improvements to steam engines and thereby contributed greatly to the industrial revolution.
"Wow" I said "You really know what's watt."

I swapped my wife's parachute for a backpack.
I hope she falls for it.

My mate asked me to join a new dating agency he was in called "coconut"
I wanted to join but i was shy.

Goliath was 14 lbs overweight. David was the perfect weight. What a difference a stone makes!

I told my wife due to the recession we had to dine on a small budget,
I wasn't expecting a baby bird on my plate the next day.

MSN News : 'Beckham Wants More Caps'.
I don't blame him, his hair styles are awful.

I have recently learned my unhealthy eating habits have clogged up my arteries and left me in desperate need of a heart transplant.
In fact, just yesterday I consulted with an advisor over the future I can expect and discussed my choices, when he said
"So Sir, describe your perfect donor"
In hindsight, my response,
"Extra Large, no salad and smothered in garlic and chilli sauce"
wasn't the perfect way to kickstart proceedings.

What is the best and the worst thing about mutual masturbation?
Well on the one hand its great........