I hate fly paper.
It looks tacky.

You know you're skint when you get caught by a phishing scam and they throw you back.

I didn't find it at all amusing when my friends swapped my oxygen for a tank of nitrous oxide.
Although, everyone seemed to think I did.

When a bloke rings my mate it plays 'Raining Men,' when a woman rings it plays 'Three Times a Lady'..
Got himself a new BiPhone..

What do you call a black man who always comes back?
A Boonarang

This bloke I know has got really chiseled features.
Since I found out he was sleeping with my wife.

Me and my mates have been going to Amsterdam for years now and taking loads of pot.
There will be no ceramics left soon.

A wise old man once told me to 'always go that extra mile' so I decided to take his advice.
Ever since then i've found it impossible to get to my desired destination.

I really want to be a wit. I reckon i'm halfway there.

It turns out that the miners trapped in China are actually the rest of the trapped Chilean miners
They tryed to dig there way out and ended going the wrong way

A news reporter was interviewing a young girl who has suffered at the hands of bullying.
"so, you tried to hang yourself in the school toilets"
She must have been on the end of her tether.

Whats the differnce between the American air force and the British air force?
The British air force break ground and fly into the wind.

I got sacked today from my job as a waiter. My boss said he thinks it will be easy to find better staff.
Apparently I don't bring enough to the table.

Just got back from Thailand.
Bought a nice blue one to go with my suit.

My Grandad always pinned a cheese cracker to his lapel when he went out.
He loved putting on the Ritz.

Every time I buy a chicken from ASDA I hold a funeral service afterwards, where I bury the bones in a specially made grave.
The chicks dig it.

I'm a big believer in Girl-power
I mean those corpses in my garden produce enough methane to power my table lamp

I've just been to the ventriloquist shop to buy stuff.
"I got all the gear"

BBC News: ELO cellist Mike Edwards killed by bale of hay.
Paramedic's on the seen were clutching at straws trying to save him.

My doctor has told me that I have a unhealthy obsession for peeling onions.
Still, I'm not going to cry about it.

I don't really believe in scepticism.

My wife just turned to me and said, "Have you let one go?"
I said, "Of course not. I killed them all".

I see Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has offended the Hillsborough victims by suggesting hooliganism played a part.
After so much effort in striving for justice, I bet they're all crushed.

Got a tattoo of Mickey Dolenz removed today.
That's one monkee off my back.

Why are soldiers always tired in April?
Because they've just done a 31 day March.