After crashing my car I didn't know what to do, so I phoned the AA.
They weren't much help, they just told me to stop drinking.

My mate bought a new car and after turning the ignition on he decided he didn't want to drive and asked me to drive for him.
We crashed and he screamed:
"AY! You just crashed my car!"
I said; "Yeah but you started it"

I've just created a website that requires anyone that logs on to fill the home page with small black and white squares.
Check it out.

I wonder.
Do people with artificial hearts ever get heartburn ?

I think my "Best of Womack and Womack" CD is possessed by a spirit.
Every time I play it I hear footsteps.

I've just been to the ventriloquist shop to buy stuff.
"I got all the gear"

BBC News: ELO cellist Mike Edwards killed by bale of hay.
Paramedic's on the seen were clutching at straws trying to save him.

I was up before the local magistrate this morning.
I stole his milk again.

I've started a counterfeit operation, selling fake colours.
Tan is the most popular.

Just been reading a book which, apparently, is all the rage, about a girl who cheats in her A level exams to achieve higher marks. Boring! Can't see what all the fuss is about 'Shifty Grades of Faye'!

Street smarts is just a word dumb people use when they wanna use the word smart to describe themselves

I was horribly abused with golf clubs during my youth.
My parents made me play golf with them.

The body of a man, who regularly gave information about criminals to police, has been found dumped on wasteland.
Next of kin have been informed on.

My little brother is a bookworm and I really don't know why.
Everyone else in my family is human.

A girl guide knocked on my door tonight and told me that she was selling brownies to raise money for charity.
You can't even begin to imagine how cheated I felt when, having handed over my fiver, she merely gave me a small bag of confectionary items.

My wife looked at me funny earlier.
Lazy eye.

I went to the doctors today and as he looked at my file, he slowly looked up and said "well Mr Perry, the way the cookie crumbles is exactly the way your bones are, you have osteoporosis" It was at that point I broke down.

I've been quite ill recently and I sent a text message asking my girlfriend if she could cover my regular volunteering position giving out food to the needy, as I didn't want to let anyone down at the charity.
However, due to a small typing error, she ended up spending four hours handing out sandwiches outside Games Workshop.

The fleshlite-
For when you can't give a toss

My problem is that I'm always seeking the approval of others.
Right?

Fatty foods are bad for you, this is true! In fact I recently spent time in hospital after trying to nick a crisp off Dawn French.

I benched 150 kilos today!
Told this fat guy in church to take a seat.

I got thrown out of Tesco earlier.
Apparently, 'lamb shank' is not designed to stab people, and to attempt to do so inside the store is illegal.

Last night my wife said I never went down on her
So I drooled all over her.

I joined Amnesty International because they had a special offer on.
Buy one set one free.