On my first visit there, I didn't like Austria that much, until someone told me that Graz is greener on the other side.

Dyson airblade, the future doesn't suck.
It blows

Not looking forward to the next Spiderman film, apparently he's gone vegan and only fights animal cruelty.
Changed his name to PETA Parker.

I'll never forget the day I won the World Memory Championships.

Who is the biggest rapper in the world?
The Notorious B.F.G.

Where do all the Ethiopians live in England?
Nuneaton

I love showing my body off to people down the gym.
Everyone's jealous that I eat more than them.

Bungee jumping; It's my biggest downfall

I recently bought a little shop in Blackpool selling candy and sandwhiches.
I'm living my life on rock and roll.

Just bought some vacant land. Not sure how much it is, but I know it's a lot

"Swedish House Mafia to split"
Where am I going to buy my flat-pack furniture now?

How do you make a Paddy field?
Take him off the batting team.

Just eaten 9 'After Eight' mints, but so far nothing's happened.

"You won't like me when I'm angry. I will stain your life forever."
The indelible hulk.

I finally plucked up the courage and asked the fit bird, "I don't suppose you would be free at all this week?"
She insisted that it would still cost 80. an hour.

The WWI drinking game wasn't much fun. Every time you saw a German, you took a shot.

I'm starting my new job at Deed Poll next week.
I'm hoping to make a name for myself.

I once spent a whole day making up Ancient Greek puns.
Troy story.

My mate is trippin' on LSD.
I should probably move it off the floor.

I watched a program about the mechanics of a sponge the other day.
It was absorbing.

I was in the club last night when I saw the bouncer walk out the back door.
Well, to be fair it was causing some trouble...

My mum never let me play with scissors when I was younger.
I could only use rock or paper.

I'm starting a deforestation business but I need an American to come and work for me.
Sometimes when you're pulling down a tree you need a good yank.

The doctor just told me that I'm partially deaf, which was difficult to hear.

I was walking down the road with my work colleagues when a homeless guy came up to me and asked, "Can you spare some coppers?"
"Yes", I replied,"Arrest that smelly tramp".