I walked into a room of optimists earlier,
It was half full.

It's so busy during my early morning taxi shift, I'm always dropping off.

my friend gave me the idea and the final push needed for me to write a book on inspiration.

Kodak files for bankrupcy due to negative growth.

Today is National Librarian Day. They kept that quiet.

My Nan was complaining about her new television today...
"I've plugged it in and the screen is blank, nothing!" She shouted.
"That's not on" I replied.

Do you want to express your anger at James Bond?
Join the Q.

Animal rights activists never do more than one thing at a time. They don't want to kill two birds with one stone.

I work at a watersports centre.
We're having a sale.

Do I have insomnia or amnesia?
I Was up all night thinking about it, but I've forgotten which is which.

I think my karate instructor has got a great sixth sensei.

I'm going to change my name on Facebook to "no one".
So when I add you as a friend, it will say "No one wants to be your friend on Facebook,"

Chav Bingo..
You've gotta be init to win it.

My Naan loves cleaning curry dishes.

A friend of mine stole my invisible box yesterday...
I said "Hey, that's mime!!"

Totally killed at the nursing home open mic last night.
Didn't actually perform, but I did unplug some respirators.

I've won a 36 hour no sleeping contest recently.
I left all other contestants in my wake.

Nestle are launching a new Arabica coffee with David Cameron advertising the drink...
Nestle says there are similarities between the two.
"One is a rich blend, the other is a rich bell-end," a spokesman said.

My mate just boasted about buying miniture pack of cards for a tenner.
It's no big deal.

Strangely, Currys is the only shop in Leicester that doesn't have a Paki working there.

A BBC News Reader had their autocue stolen today.
When asked to comment he had nothing to say.

When my boiler broke, I got a man out.
I don't know how he got in there in the first place.

So I was going to this fancy dress party last night, dressed as a tampon, when my friend wiped his bleeding hand on my costume.
Now, I feel so used.

My daughter and her friend asked me if I wanted join in their skipping game this morning.
"You can count me in!" I replied.

As a paedophile maths teacher, I always get my children to write in pencil.
That way I can always rub one out.