Had a major health scare this morning.
I got caught shoplifting in Holland and Barrett.

Quality problems have been reported at the Mr. Kipling factory.
They fear it might be a worst cake scenario.

How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

From the look of her, Steps will be a lot harder for Claire Richards this time round.

The Whisk
Cooking implement for most.
Favourite boy band for Jonathan Ross

This guy came up to me at Poetry club.
He said, "Iambic Pentameter."
I said, "Nice to meet you, Bic..."

You've really got to hand it to deaf people

I've found that the best hiding place for your Christmas presents is in the mouth of the gift horse.

I'm still getting the hang of making new jokes, which frankly my older children take quite badly.

Went to my doctor about my splitting headaches.
Apparently gymnastics isn't his strong point.

I enrolled at a 'Lock-picking for beginners' course at College in September.
But I'm still struggling to get into it.

After just having both my hands amputated, i was trying to think what felt different.
I just couldnt put my finger on it.

Chelsea's winger is always serious.
It's no laughing Mata.

Heard some interesting football transfer news the other day.
Some of the stickers are in 3D.

An ex-Gladiator tried kicking off with me on a plane the other day.
"Easy Jet", I warned her.

A mate of mine is a bit worried about his 8-year old daughter. She's not integrating well with the other kids at school.
I think she's a bit young to be doing calculus.

I often use big
words to sound smart; I mean
utilizing gargantuan idioms to
fabricate intelligence.

I watched an hour long programme about sheets and duvets.
The coverage was brilliant.

I've just watched a 24 hour live bukkake party online.
The coverage was brilliant.

I tried to convince a friend of mine that I was born in Arctic Canada.
But he was having Nunavut.

I paid 2 for a filthy, old hoe yesterday. What a bargain!
The second hand garden centre really outdid itself.

BBC Sport: "IRB say All Blacks 'replaceable'"
Bit racist.

"iPhone 4 S" - Sorry, iPhone for WHAT!?...

If the road you're driving down has a lot of potholes, it's probably a highway.

After dropping my toddler at his nursery, there's a good chance he's developed some brain damage.