Turf Wars
The Irish version of snowball fights.

I never met a coprophage who wasn't a bottom feeder.

Strangely, Currys is the only shop in Leicester that doesn't have a Paki working there.

In France, well cooked meat is rare.

me and my mate was arguing on a sky diving plane the other day, anyway i fell out with him

The local vicar double-crossed most of the congregation during his Sunday service.
I think it's his O.C.D.

I lost three fingers in a shark attack.
My knife slipped while I was trying to cut its fin off.

When life hands you lemons, gift wrap them to your neighbour and bang his wife while he makes lemonade.

I flipped my lid and beat my wife with some tupperware, I must learn to contain myself.

What do you call a plasticine man that goes around molesting children?
A Play-doh phile...

I didn't know how to use my new keyboard, so I got a prototype.

My Granddad used to tell me that there was a secret code that would make an egg open itself.
He said, "All you have to do is crack it"

Sky News: 12 killed after deadly Delhi bomb.
Adele has been the first to publicly announce her disgust at such an attack. 'It's horrific' she told one reporter, 'What a waste of meat and cheese'.

I've been desperatly trying to get new members for my nudist camp.
Business has started sagging.

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

I helped a homeless guy move today for free.
I stuck a cattle prod in him as he was squatting in my shop doorway.

My wife came to visit me in prison.
She said, "How are you keeping?"
I said, "Really well ... I saved a penalty in the last game"

I've just seen a supernova...
It had alloy wheels and a sports exhaust.

BBC NEWS: Stock markets fall on debt fears.
That's ridiculous, people should really be listening to stuff like that.

'Give just 2 pounds a month and feed a family in Africa.' I ask you, If we're all God's children, then surely we are all one big family, which includes me, meaning that I'm giving 2 pounds to myself. I think I'll make it a grand and buy that motorbike I've had my eye on for almost a year

My wife stared down in disbelief. "Those scales are all wrong!" she shouted.
The lad was on the verge of tears, "I never wanted to learn the piano in the first place!"

BBC news: Stockport nurse on murder charge over saline deaths.
I didn't even know Stockport was on the coast.

BBC news: Pilot whales die on Highland beach.
I'm guessing they were in a light aircraft?

Just found out last night that I come from a long line of time travellers.
Took me back a bit.

I've just been to my astrologer's funeral
Rest in pisces mate