If you're ever discussing facts about your Manx cat with anyone, remember, it's all about the detail.

Daily Post: Mother of 5 killed in Turkey crash
That must have been one big turkey!

I won a bet with my mate that I could squash all the juice out of a citrus fruit in one go
It was easy peasy lemon squeazy.

When you walk out onto Liverpool's pitch, a sign reads 'Anfield'. Surely this is a grammatical error, and should read 'A Field'.
Typical Scousers

My phones been on the blink a lot recently. Must be an eye phone.

Saw a homeless man getting off the bus earlier,
I thought, 'how does he know it's his stop.'

Once you've gone black you never go back!
Well that's house fires for you!!!

The waiter brought me a floret of broccoli. I said, "sorry, I thought it was 'All You Can Eat' for 3 here."
The waiter replied, "that IS all you can eat for 3 here."

News reports suggest husband and wife's marriage breakdown was a contributory factor in the Jersey stabbings.... Guess they were Poles apart.

I'm a mime artist.
I only paint French clowns.

My jet pack and I are having a minor disagreement, but I'm just going to put it behind me and move on.

I'm being hounded by a Lulu impersonator who sings down the phone to me.
It makes me wanna shout.

What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop

So, I was doing a crossword last night and my wife, representing a beached whale on the sofa, kept interrupting my out-loud thought processes with unappreciated answers.
So I said: "The next letter after 's' in the alphabet..."
My privately educated wife: "t?"
Me: "Yeah. Get making it."

I'm going to go and get a refund on 'The Never Ending Story'
It's only on for 102 minutes

Met a busker who wasn't declaring his income. He was on the fiddle.

Taking financial advice from a cancer sufferer is the most ill advised thing I've done

Sky News - surely that's the weather forecast?

I feel cheated now that my marker has wasted.
It was supposed to be permanent...

Everyone at work knew I'd been to see the doctor about my impotence problem but they seemed to understand.
Until the boss asked "How was your weekend?"

If you want to keep the level of dust down in a room, you can't beat a carpet.

I got asked that common age old question earlier.
"How old are you?"

Lovin my new job mixing cement...
Everyday I'm shovelling.....

I was on the phone to Led Zeppelin the other day and I was suddenly disconnected.
Must have been a communication breakdown.

Keeping cool in hot weather?
I'm not a big fan.