Was in town the other day when this little iranian lady shouted ' big'ish shoe please '
So I gave her one of my size 8 kickers - I was shoe shopping anyway

I bought a Blackberry the other day.
I really don't see what all the fuss is about, they're too small, very delicate, I could never get any signal, couldn't send texts, receive calls or go on the internet with it.
In the end I just gave up and ate it.

'Just been to a party at a 70s disco divas house. We played a game where you had to throw a paki as far as you could'
'Donna summers?'
'No chuck a kahn'

Is anyone else feeling Blue for Great Britain's chance of winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

I fell down a deep hole with some water at the bottom the other day and hurt myself. In those situations you just have to pick yourself up and say "Oh well".

Everytime I look in the mirror, I get a real shock. But that's me.

I wrote a poem about being skint today. It's called 'owed to a debt collector.'

I told my girlfriend that if she married me, i'd show her the stars.
She did, and the black eyes prove it.

Always remember 'Never Eat Shredded Wheat'
Especially if you're a coeliac

I just got off the phone to directory enquiries, the girl on the phone started chatting me up, telling me that she's completely clean shaven.
She's a smooth operator.

I've spent the whole day on a social networking site.
I got stuck on the roof of our community centre.

Deafness is getting to become quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

My dwarf friend approached me today, and asked me why I'd been insulting him behind his back.
I said, "Look, mate, I'm going to level with you." And got down on my knees.

Gary Glitter is hoping to slip out of the UK and live in Casablanca........ Here's lookin' at you,kids

I've just invited a few victims of domestic violence to a tea party.
Bruise all round!

I was suprised that Swansea beat Reading.
Turns out, the Swans own the Royals.

I got thrown out of a cheese rolling contest in Holland because I used French cheese with herbs in it.
Apparently I wasn't following le roule's.

BBC News: 'Arrest after hospital abuse film.'
To be fair, you'd be tired too if you'd been bullying spastics all day.

lost my virginity for a pound today.
shouldn't have bent over to pick it up.

I'm working on a joke about discovering a current of air blowing underneath a door.
It's not finished yet though. It's only the first draft.

At auditions, actors are often told to "Break a leg".
I suppose that's one way of getting in the cast.

Sky News: Alarm Bells Ringing As Retail Sales Plunge.
"Sounds like these Retailers need to replace their Security staff?"

I use to have the head of a lizard that told jokes.
Think he may have been a bit of a chameleon.

As my wife walked out of the door she said, "I'm not as stupid as you think, you know".
After she'd gone I said, "You'd better alert the pilot, stewardess"

Losing an eye upsets most people, but it makes a simile smile.