So I just found out that today is 'World Intellectual Property Day'.
Whose bright idea was that then?

I did some hair dressing today.
But people at the cafe started complaining saying they'd prefer lettuce and tomato as their side.

People often ask me whether I enjoy working with seafood.
I tell them it's good fun but I'm rather accident prawn.

Osama's colleagues have made a shrine to honour the man.
It's called Osama Bin Garden.

Gonna try a bar I've never been to tonight. The 5th one on my iPhone.

Despite not being a strong swimmer, I can't stop myself from joining in with other people's routines down at the local pool.
I just can't swim without synching.

Did you hear about the carpenter who became an MP?
He put the cabinet together.

I went to an air show today...
I couldn't see anything, I just took it all in.

I've just made my girlfriend have a backstreet abortion.
There's no way I'm bringing up Nick Carters kid.

It did me wife's head in playing golf with her for the first time today.
And my back... I wish I used a club to hit the ball now.

They say in life, you get what you give. Then how come when I gave her my best smile and a wink, all I got was a restraining order and told that I shouldn't be hanging around the primary school playground?

I grinned as I watched her prepare herself, smile and then giggle as she removed the first layer and clasped it firmly with both hands, then ran her tongue all the way down right from top to bottom. My heart rate rose. A bit of juice glistened around her mouth and on her lips, then she winked and took the next mouthful. The joke's on her, I put Rohypnol in that ice lolly

I'm going to make a comic strip.
I'll break into Jimmy Carr's dressing room and force him to take off his clothes.

I've invented a washing machine for five pound notes
It'll be real money spinner

Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Gray?
He doesn't believe in property.

When I got arrested for flashing in public I was so furious I took it out on my kids.

I've applied for a job as a spell checker at the local school.
Unfortunately some sorcerer got it.

I dropped a bottle of ketcup on my foot
It caused immense pain To ma toes

I recently climbed Ben Nevis.
He wasn't pleased.

I was playing Chess all day yesterday. When it got to half 12 at night I thought...
'I better make a move.'

What do you get if you take the 'P' out of Manny Pacquiao?
A black eye and a broken nose.

I got my final warning at work yesterday for "not concentrating".
Ultimately that's a sackable offence at the Stock Cube factory.

I tried to get out of the deal I'd made with a book restoration company, because I'd found a cheaper alternative. Unfortunately, they had a binding contract.

Breaking News: Dangerous malfunctioning new iPod headphones explode whilst playing songs. Deaf toll rises.

I've been having problems with Erectile dysfunction lately and joined a group for men with similar problems.
During the meeting there were grown men breaking down and crying.
I thought, they're all just a bunch of Softies.