The UAF Played the National Front football team today.
Five minutes in they were complaining about their own players goal hanging.

My labourer doesn't believe I can speak to spirits on one of my work tools.
He said, "Honestly?"
"On the level." I replied.

My name is Midgetorius.
Midget for short.

BBC News: "Typhoon jets grounded"
Maybe that'll teach them to stop getting into fights.

I quit my job at the Hairdressers.
There were just too many big wigs in the office.

My wife left me last week. I've never been so depressed.
There hasn't been anybody to do the ironing.

What did the fairytale character say when she visited Birmingham?
Snow Whites.

I was going to buy a chicken, but it was fowl.

I was going to buy a chicken, but it was fowl.

Did you hear about the ant who thought he was a bear?
He was aberrant.

Just woke up from a nightmare in which I was filling my car and then saw the price.
It was a Crude Awakening.

I just sniffed a whole load of crack!
Now I'm banned from the Plumbing and Building union.

I had my eyes transplanted from a female red deer, and now I can see much better
Of course, its always easier with hind sight...

Doctors say our blood contains a lot of Fe. How ironic.

I was having a kick about with my mates at the playing fields yesterday. I said to them, "I bet I can do something so amazing that it will blow your mind"
I picked up the ball, ran the full length of the field, then dove onto the floor between the sticks.
I ran back and said, "Well?". They looked at me like I was stupid, so I sighed, "Oh well, it was worth a try"

Some people are really ungrateful. I took my girlfriend's rucksack and carried it for her the other day.
She wasn't very happy, we were free-falling at the time.

I remember when my wife was giving birth for the first time, I was stood by her side in the delivery room as the baby was starting to come.
I remember thinking to myself ''This is such a lovely and rare privilege, Seeing my wife in so much pain''

I tried to buy a rare bottle of aftershave but couldn't afford it.
In the end i used my common scents.

What did the farmer do when he kept getting praise for his cow?
He milked it.

so yeah, i was ironing while listening to 'do it like a dude' and thought well this is ironic.

I'm giving up casually supporting my body against stationary objects for leant.

What do you call a shelter with no roof or walls?
Flawed

The Priest said it's time for my communion, but I'm not really up for the exchange of bodily fluids tonight.

I just found my old ID...
Apparently, I'm 72 next week...

My paki neighbour's got an off licence.
It's a normal drivers licence but it smells really bad.