BBC Sport: Murray to defy injury in semi bid.
After hours of furious rubbing, he finally got it halfway up.

I've been feeling down a little recently, but today I started feeling myself.
Probably shouldn't have done it in Asda though...

Last week I came out of the closet, which caught their attention and got me arrested.

I went down to the gym earlier to do some working out.
All that grunting was putting me off my maths homework.

In view of the upcoming para- olympics, I'm thinking of forming a new sports equipment company, I'm gonna call it spazenger.

Visiting my dad again tonight.
He's having a tough time lately since he got caught in that bear trap.
I've been helping him find his feet.

For sale: Brewery in need of restoration, VAT free

I find it ironic that My boss placed me on Gardening leave.
From the horticultural society

A couple of geologist groups in my town have started fighting over how much a cliff has receded in the last year
It's a war of attrition

Roses are read.
Violets are blew.
English isn't my first language.

I saw a young lamb in a field having a cardiac arrest.
So I gave it Sheepy-R.

I've become disillusioned with my job looking after history books.
To be honest, I'm past caring.

Curiosity killed the cat... and my love of sausages.

What did the indifferent Lone Ranger say to his horse?
"Hey-ho Silver"

My paki neighbour's got an off licence.
It's a normal drivers licence but it smells really bad.

I just found my old ID...
Apparently, I'm 72 next week...

The Priest said it's time for my communion, but I'm not really up for the exchange of bodily fluids tonight.

What do you call a shelter with no roof or walls?
Flawed

I'm giving up casually supporting my body against stationary objects for leant.

so yeah, i was ironing while listening to 'do it like a dude' and thought well this is ironic.

What did the farmer do when he kept getting praise for his cow?
He milked it.

I tried to buy a rare bottle of aftershave but couldn't afford it.
In the end i used my common scents.

I remember when my wife was giving birth for the first time, I was stood by her side in the delivery room as the baby was starting to come.
I remember thinking to myself ''This is such a lovely and rare privilege, Seeing my wife in so much pain''

Some people are really ungrateful. I took my girlfriend's rucksack and carried it for her the other day.
She wasn't very happy, we were free-falling at the time.

I was having a kick about with my mates at the playing fields yesterday. I said to them, "I bet I can do something so amazing that it will blow your mind"
I picked up the ball, ran the full length of the field, then dove onto the floor between the sticks.
I ran back and said, "Well?". They looked at me like I was stupid, so I sighed, "Oh well, it was worth a try"