Attention spans are getting shorter. I know mine

Spent last night adding 1 to every odd number in my phone. What an evening.

I'm leaving my job at the ship yard to be a contestant on The Apprentice.
I don't know a lot about the world of business, but I'm good at making sails.

I've got a sure fire tip for you.
The red bit on the end of a matchstick.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.

My doctor checked me for alopecia, and with no nerves or sweat told me that I am suffering from it, he's a bold man himself.

I want to go into business as a Barber, but the bank told me I need a shavings account first.

I lost my memory after being attacked by a group of narrators.
So they tell me.

I will not take my wife's insults on me being lazy lying down.

I took the Wife and Kids for a day out at the Royal navy museum in Portsmouth.
The tour guide asked "Would you like to have a tour of a ship?",
I said "Yeah frigate, why not!"

Tampons work great at keeping water out of a pipe that you're trying to solder. The problem is, when you go to purchase them from the chemist and someone asks you why you're buying them, saying "To fix a plumbing problem" doesn't go down very well.

My brother was diagnosed with leprosy in 2009
Hes been falling apart ever since.

People who shake tins in the street for churches..Don't they beggar belief?

I thought my stereo was broken because it continually plays Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" .
But it turns out I just have motivational speakers.

My mate reckons he's the best plasterer in the world.
I think he's laying it on a bit thick.

My maths teacher is a pretty rubbish Elvis impersonator.
"A little less conversion, and a lot more fraction please" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

My wife left me because I have no sense of direction.
I'm quite glad really because if we had stayed together I would have probably buried her six foot sideways.

I was trying to think of a solid grey steel with an atomic number of 74 earlier but i just couldnt get it.
I swear it was on the tip of my tungsten.

Why do shepherds take Sepp Blatter with them to round up sheep?
Because he's a crook.

BBC News: Spark started family death fire.
Who's spark, the family dog?

I spent about 10 minutes at my six year old daughter's ballet recital before i had to shoot off.

My window has a problem with draughts.
It just can't beat me

I wish Americans would stop shooting their mouths off.

Wish I could play piano better, but cba, are the only 3 keys I've been bothered to learn so far.

I have a bottle of sodium hydroxide hidden away which no one knows about.
It's my secret base