I find my jokes have more direction when I'm left to right them myself.

My ex has just got with a cage fighter and she seems pretty smug about it.
I'm confused, how do you go about fighting a cage?

Statistics show that 100% of the population that live in Saudi Arabia are sane.
That's because there are Nomad people there.

I just started a band with my mates, were called The Shoes.
We have a lot of sole.

Why did the entrepreneur open the door?
Because oppurtunity knocked.

*EASY MONEY*
Put a Ad in the local paper saying your a Driving Instructor..
Take the punters for a ride.

I was driving down the motorway, then I saw a sign saying, 'Slow, Skid Risk Ahead."
I thought, "That person must have had seriously bad diarrhea.

I enjoy listening to Scottish music on my och aye pod

I thought my wife would be thrilled when I told her that I got us a table at the poshest restaurant in town for tonight.
Unfortunately I couldn't get in into the flat so we'll be having dinner in the garage.

An Insomnia patient was describing to me for hours on end all about how the lack of sleep made his brain ache.
I replied, 'Just give it a rest, will you?'

I have a memory like a ripped condom...
All the important stuff leaks out!

Ever since I had my stroke I've not been feeling right.

On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery......
There I was...all alone.... surrounded by trees and bushes.

I work for BSM and now my wife thinks I'm teaching the owner of Aston Villa to drive.

She overheard me on the phone telling my mate I had a randy learner in my car all day.

My boss told me that he's going to have to let me go.
All our holding hands and petting in the office is causing accusations of favouritism.

I dropped a bag of zippers in the park today.
I got done for fly tipping.

I was going to enter the "Football Supporter Of The Year" contest but everybody says I have no chants

My wife is currently in 'witness protection'
After what she witnessed , she wont be leaving our cellar anytime soon.

What group did Mike Edwards use to play in?
Electric Light Orchestraw

Last night my girlfriend phoned me from the US. She was in a poor state.
Mississippi in fact.

BBC News: Jones wants to be first minister
Hate to break it to him, but he's a bit late on that one

Breaking news from the BBC website: 'Lightning 'may have hit balloon''.
What shocking news.

There was a raffle at work the other day & the boss drew out ticket numbers 2, 4, 6, 8 & 10.
I thought, 'what are the odds?'

I don't know how I managed to get my face stuck in the toilet seat.
I just can't get my head around it.

Never interrupt a magician while he is performing a magic trick.
It will frustrate him so much that he'll pull his hare out.