An Insomnia patient was describing to me for hours on end all about how the lack of sleep made his brain ache.
I replied, 'Just give it a rest, will you?'

I have been wondering. Why do we call ourselves Sickipedians?
In my honest opinion, Sickipediaphiles seems more apt.

My son told me he wants to become a household name.
That's why I now call him 'Fairy'.

Sky News: 'Gaza Aid Ship Arrives At Israeli Port'
I thought he was on the wagon, nevermind abroad.

I was shocked to hear about Gazza being in a car crash
Probably Israels fault, they shouldn't have put a blockade up

Finally got my brown wings last night!
..And now my dream of scaring little kids and pensioners as a giant moth can be realised!

Al-Qaeda are desperate to recruit new members.
Sounds like it's a matter of insurgency.

Breaking news: Gwyneth Paltrow has Osteoporosis.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma

If I had a penny for every time I got mugged.

BP have commissioned my PR firm to re-brand their oil spill as a new oceanic beauty spot.
Sounds like a pretty slick move to me.

The body of a second US sailor missing in Afghanistan has been found.
I'd guess he drowned when he fell off his ship of the desert.

I had a roll lunchtime.
Would have made it to the bottom of the high st. if people had moved quicker.

I bought some mint shampoo today.
It's not that good.

I just had a heated argument with my wife.
She's probably right, I really should get the central heating fixed.

I enjoy having wrestling matches with my work clothes when I get home every night.
Tonight it was a tie.

I have taken up base jumping, I'm going to start with my sub-woofer and work my way up.

My mate told me that he ate a blackberry today.
I was wondering why he wouldn't answer his phone..

This morning I survived a frenzied dog attack in just my underpants.
What a dog was doing wearing my pants, is anyone's guess.

No wonder Holland floods all the time.
All the drains are clogged.

I'm in a gullible cover band.
Easily Led Zeppelin.

What's a womans favourite drink?
Whine.

I was sat next to a fat black woman who looked pregnant in the doctors waiting room today.
I said "What are you having?"
She went 'ape'

I watched a programme the other day about couples with vomit fetishes...
Those people are sick as they come.

Faulty car up for auction.
Bidding will start at 99p. No reverse.