A pole was taken last month, statistics show a large increase in the kidnapping of Eastern Europeans.

I've been going through a rough patch with the girlfriend.
I might just bury her here, I can't see anyone coming this far into the woods.

So Dappy has pulled out of V Fest.
Just a shame Dappy's Dad didn't pull out of his Mum's V.

As a therapist, I've found that the most difficult patients are magicians.
They never reveal their secrets.

An Englishman eating his sunday roast, a Scotsman with a kilt on, an Irish man drunk out of his head, and a Kenwood Hifi system are in a bar. They were all stereotypes.

I had a Jack Daniel's on the rocks earlier.
It's dangerous on those cliffs.

Had a pretty somber conversation with a friend of mine recently. It mainly centered around how his family name is Cyst.
At that point in time his wife was in labour with his unborn child, and we were discussing the various 'disease' related names he used to get called at school. Told me it'd break his heart for his kid to go through what he did.
In my eyes though, the decision to call him Raymond was a stroke of genius.

I was trying and failing to do my Maths coursework today
I had to use a matrix to solve an equation, but there was just no use. I knew I shouldn't have taken the blue pill last night

I was trying to play golf but this woman two holes back kept missing every time she got close to sinking the ball.
It was really off putting.

I'm at the start of the alphabet, it's hard to see why.

I was at the herb shop looking for some weed.
Wrong place, wrong thyme.

I thought I'd treat the wife to a round of golf today.
Only because the course rules state that each player must have a bag.

Feeling peckish, I decided to send my young son to the shop to fetch a hot pie for me. That was hours ago and there's been no sign so I'm really starting to panic now.
How long do pies stay edible?

I overheard two people talking about a statue of an Aztec god.
I think it was just idol gossip.

Last night my wife told me that she is leaving me because of my obsession with 80's pop songs.
"Don't leave me this way" i replied.

Anyone who uses a defibrillator should be charged with resisting arrest.

I've just finished watching "Gone in 60 seconds".
It was a Youtube video of the twin towers coming down.

I want to be a vampire but I'll never see the day.

I don't like this non-streak fake tan. I usually like to show it off by running around the streets naked....

My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with elephants.
I don't care, I'm even helping to pack her trunk.

I've just written a play about someone who drives into a theatre.
It's going to be a box office smash.

I've just registered with a new woman dentist in our town, but I'm bit unsure if I should visit her.
Her name is Dee Kay.

Barack Obama held an official Whitehouse reception in honour David Beckham's team winning the mls cup.
The president asked him: "Where's the trophy?"
Becks replied: "She's at home looking after the kids."

"I'm so sorry about the wait, sir." said the waitress.
"That's all right, you don't have to apologise for being so fat." I replied

My brother has just been admitted to hospital after eating an entire CCTV camera.
He's being closely monitored.