Me and the kids have had a lovely Sunday morning sat watching and laughing at Rio.
He's by the side of the pool. crying.

Well done to the creators of 'Formula 1', for getting it right first time.
Unlike the inventors of '7-UP' and 'WD-40'.

I got a really bad case of mood poisoning.
It must have been something I hate.

autocorrect me once shame on you.
autocorrect me twice....and you can go duck yourself you witch!!

I went to a global warming conference the other day, never going again, the atmosphere was terrible

I'm great at General knowledge...
I know Napoleon's date of birth, the year Eisenhower died and Pinochet's middle name.

Why do fitness instructors avoid going out clubbing?
Because most clubs have a No Trainers policy.

I asked a straight girl if she wanted to come to my lesbian orgy tonight.
"I'm not sure", she said, "But I'll swing bi if I can!"

My inflatable friends don't trust me any more.
I keep letting them down.

That shark diving trip cost me an arm and a leg.

There's to be a Hollywood remake of Mario Balotelli's horror challenge today.
"The Shinning".

Someone told me I can have my cremated ashes packed into bullets.
I'm not sure what caliber of person would do that.

My face fell when I realised the skin grafts hadn't taken.

My girlfriend's bush is so hairy that not even a North Korean rocket would go down on that.

I was next to Peter Crouch in the local takeaway yesterday,asking for 3 Kebabs and a portion of fries."That's a tall order",i thought...

On December 21st 2012 everyone will be killed by horses...
The end is neigh.

How do you make a trampoline?
Put his Special Brew just out of reach.

I saw a homeless guy on the side of the street with a sign that read, "Change please".
I looked at him and said, "No, I like what I'm wearing."

I was shocked to see Gandalf and Yoda walk into my room at work.
Gandalf asked, "Is this not the staff meeting?"

I said too my new girlfriend "i hate you saying the C word it makes me sick"
she replied "I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT!!!"
"yeah you do, commitment this, commitment that"

My ultra conservative local priest said he would ban me from the church if I don't try to reconcile with my ex-wife
either way I'm facing excommunication

Anabolic, Carbolic, Parabolic, Symbolic; What a load of Bolics.

Every time my wife answers back, I feel like a software programmer.
My first release is always to Beta.

I recently got sacked as a Chemistry Teacher.
I exposed myself to the Elements.

People who stereotype are all the same.