When I swim in the shallow end of the pool I get judged strictly by my looks.

My wife's going to leave me because she's sick of me going on about my time machine

As a BNP member I was thrilled when I managed to get my boss to agree to stop using Poles on site.
Until my scaffold collapsed.

I squirted my wife with petrol and set her on fire earlier.
As the flames died down and the life drained from her charred body, she gave me a smouldering look.

I was sure my sister was going to pleased with the entertainment I'd booked for her 40th birthday, however when a guy turned up at the venue selling kebabs on the car park I knew there had been a big misunderstanding.
But none of us went hungry, thanks to "Jasons' donner van"

I burst my friend's eyeball to check if any fluid would come out.
He couldn't see the Humour.

My ex-girlfriend told me to get a life
so I took hers

My mate's given up football to concentrate on his studies.
He doesn't do anything by halves.

My mates dared me to run across the ice rink without shoes or socks on today,
But before you know it, I got cold feet.

My girlfriend left me because I over-romanticise everything.
In fact, I remember the day she left. She opened the front door and an ethereal light illuminated the darkened house, my love was then lifted by the wings of a hundred angels and carried to the heavens, for God knew her beauty was too great for this world.

A girl i've been dating said she doesn't want to see me anymore.
So i poked both her eyes out.

My mate can scale walls really fast but most people want plaster not fish skin.

I thought I was a great ventriloquist, but it turned out to be just the beer talking.

I've just got home from the World blindfolded masturbating championships
I've no idea where I came

Stephen Hawking is a great orator, technically speaking.

I've just finished a course on lockpicking.
It's really opened doors for me.

I was filling my tank at the petrol station the other day
How I managed to steal it from the military, you don't want to know...

The more disappointing counterpart of the house wine is the flat beer.

Whenever my mate comes home from a hard days work, he cracks open a beer and puts in a little bit of sandpaper.
It helps him take the edge off

I got thrown out of Krufts this year for inappropriate behaviour.
A bit harsh. They did say to enter your own Dog.

" Good-evening waiter , I've made a group reservation. "
" That's interesting sir , I hope you and your friends will be very happy living on it. "

My mate dropped a box of Italian pastries on the floor.
I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.

English was my best subject in school. My least favorite was Maffs.

Tramps who use newspapers to keep warm this winter are behind The Times.

I stood on top of a double decker today,
Wasn't too challenging since its only a chocolate bar.