My wife left me because my obsession with handing out food.
"Look that's seven chocolates you've given out, when will you stop?"
"After Eight?"

Joseph Goebbels used to claim he always had a real goose for dinner on Christmas Day
It turns out it was just proper gander

With my new job as an air guitarist, I thought I'd take up some concerts for free. No strings attached.

i've recently come up with some groundbreaking technology
..i call it a shovel

My weaver is an impressive guy. He's not tall, but he looms.

I invented a machine that helps people regain their sight and hearing but it just suddenly broke!
It make no sense

Scientists believe that, due to recent occurrences with the moon, tides will be twice as high as normal this week in Delaware.
to be honest, I think this is just lunar sea.

Raided the fridge last night.
Unfortunately, not very much raping and pillaging to be had.

Where does a chemistry Professor wash his dishes?
In the zinc.

My neighbour just said, "Fat women make the best lovers."
I always suspected he was a peadophile.

A man walks into the doctors and says "I've got a rash."
The doctor replies, "Ok I'll be as quick as I can."

I cant believe some kids fail to spell wednesday correctly in this day and age.
Mind, some are so thick they couldn't learn to spell in a month of sundaes.

As I pointed the gun at my wife, she screamed, and shouted, "Are there bullets in that?"
It was a loaded question.

I can't believe that Frazier has died.
He was my favourite T.V. psychiatrist.

I applied for a job as a psychic once.
It was a short interview; all they asked was "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

I stole one of my girlfriends leather knee high shoes earlier.
She said 'either give it back, or we will have to split up. Its your choice.'
So in the end i gave her the boot.

I punished my children by having them surgically attached to each other.
If you can't beat them, join them.

I had my first "coming of age" experience the other day.
The couple that moved in right next to just told me they have a 12 year old daughter.

I was going to join to a debate club but I talked myself out of it.

I've had enough of sitting down.
I'm going to take a stand.

I'm not a complete idiot, you know. I had my appendix removed.

A women stopped me in town today.
She said "You know I can help you save energy."
"I know you can" I said "I already have one of you at home cooking and cleaning."

I hear Wayne Rooney's dad has been arrested.
Was it for producing dope?

My daughter Nioca just asked me why we named her that.
I said "Well, darling, your mother and I couldn't decide what to call you, so we flipped a coin."

I can't believe how stupid Dr Fox has been letting his mate go to work with him & risking national security.
He should have stuck with presenting the charts.