I said to the doctor "I fear German people"
He replied "You're Klaustraphobic."

I used to have rules that people couldn't smoke in my house.
But they soon went out the window.

I normally like a film with a bit of gore in it but even I was disappointed by An Inconvenient Truth.

I saw Kate and Gerry banging their steering wheel, but the horn was not working.
It was then I realised, they were probably in car hoots.

BBC News- 'openness demanded over oil spills'
Isn't that what caused them in the first place?

My mate swallowed his tongue last week.
His shoes look stupid now.

"Put out the cat before you come to bed!" my wife shouted down to me.
So I covered its litter tray with shrinkwrap.

My wife couldn't remember a thing after her breast cancer operation......... She was suffering from mammory loss.

"Its a small world"
I said as I spun my new desktop globe.

My Irish mate has just gone down to Travis Perkins timber yard.
He said he was going to see what this craze planking is all about.

What did the letter W say to M?
Wow, nice flip.

I'm producing a new reality t.v. show. We take ten sailors and try to mold them into chefs.
Cooking with seamen.

"I'm sending you to prison for 3 months", said the judge.
"What's the charge?", I asked.
"There's no charge, everything's free!", replied the judge.

The local Sailing Club For People With Eating Disorders has recently had its government funding cut.
Its now down to a skeleton crew.

I learnt yesterday where the word peninsular originated, 'insular' Latin for Island, 'Pen' meaning not quite, 'peninsular' literally meaning not quite an island.
'Pen Friend' Not quite a friend.

Ive just seen two tramps playing leapfrog and generally acting the goat.
Silly beggars.

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

I signed up to a date website a few weeks back.
It's been a big help with raisin my hopes.

Wow iron man.
How did you get those creases out?

Top tip: the Household Waste Recycling Centre at Dewsbury

BBC NEWS- "Obama ignores China on Dalai Lama."
The poor Dalai Lama must have got tea all over his lap.

I really don't know what I did wrong.
I was peacefully eating my chicken tikka masala with a spoon when the waiter told me get the fork out.

I said to my new girlfriend, "I think your dads got it in for me."
She said, "Has he? Thanks Dad, we'll shout you if it comes back out again."

Enjoy your spliffs, folks.
The only home grown I get is when the wife sighs wistfully.

I was called to identify my late Greek Grandfather recently. He had drowned in a large bowl of sauce whilst eating some Pita bread.
It was very distressing for me; I have never seen a posthumous body before.