I fought in a middle eastern war in the early 90's, it was over some drivers, putters and 9 irons,
I still have haunting memories of the Golf War.

My wife hates it when I wake her up because she snores.
I suppose I should just let sleeping dogs lie.

I let loose my creative flair at the office today in the hope of promotion. All I got was a lecture from the fire brigade.

City maps need urban legends.

My sister reminded me today of what our forefathers used to say: "We're not quite sure, which one of us, is your real dad".

I got into an argument with a DJ tonight but I couldn't win.
He just kept changing his tune.

The wife was waiting in bed while I stayed up watching TV, but I was debating with myself, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?", even though I normally avoid any Clash with the wife.

I was in my first science lecture today and the teacher was going on about the principles of gravity.
I think he was just establishing the ground rules.

Hairdressers, they're a dyeing breed.

Joined a cult yesterday. It must be good, it has millions of followers. They even have a website and all. Funny name though.
Twitter.

I hate having to maintain my central heating.
Bleeding radiators.

I went to my best mates 21st birthday party last week and took a tropical fish tank as my guest.
I keep my friends close, but my Anemones closer.

What do you call an optician in training?
A pupil.

I've just been shortlisted for a prestigious award in recognition of my talent to write and send letters.
I'm nominated for best mail.

I was arrested for running an illegal alcohol shop the other day, but they had to let me go due to lack of proof.

I think my wife found out about the affair I was having with one of the local farmers sheep. I woke up to find my car grafitied with the words 'ewe cheating baaastard'

My mate went away on holiday.
When he came back, I said, "So, how was it?"
He said, "It was great, I got the sun every day."
I said, "Then why did you go away? You can get it at the local corner shop."

I've just got my first big acting break in a play about Neurosurgery.
I'm a bundle of nerves.

I'm at a fancy dress party but the 10 year old dressed as a jouster isn't responding to my advances.
It's OK though, my mates keep telling me 'The knight's still young.'

I had a smashing meal the other night
Went to a Greek restaurant

Ashley Cole is blaming Carlo Ancelotti on his latest front page antics.
After missing his penalty against everton he misheard when he was told to work on his shoot-out.

Last week I cut my wife's car insurance in half.
Now she refuses to let me use her scissors again.

I went House hunting with the wife yesterday,
It's not much of a sport really,
there's milions of them and they don't run away when you point a gun.

I don't understand why people don't like the euphoric, electro, dance music scene.
I think you should just give it a trance

As I was gazing at the stars last night, I could just make out the a silhouette of a man beating a woman.
I think it must have been a Stella constellation.