What did the indifferent Lone Ranger say to his horse?
"Hey-ho Silver"

Curiosity killed the cat... and my love of sausages.

I've become disillusioned with my job looking after history books.
To be honest, I'm past caring.

I saw a young lamb in a field having a cardiac arrest.
So I gave it Sheepy-R.

Roses are read.
Violets are blew.
English isn't my first language.

A couple of geologist groups in my town have started fighting over how much a cliff has receded in the last year
It's a war of attrition

I find it ironic that My boss placed me on Gardening leave.
From the horticultural society

I've always had a soft spot for erectile disfunction.

I met my new girlfriend down the gym, she's working out really well.

What do you call a bunch of priests in swimming trunks?
Spaedos

Everyones going on about David Schwimmer tying the knot. I don't know what the big deal is, I didn't make a fuss when one of my Friends got married.

I was tidying out the garage and I came across a battered bike.
I was going to keep it but I've decided Alex Reid can have it back.

I finally found an honest mechanic.
He honestly doesn't know how to fix anything.

i hope i never get my hands tangled together.
fingers crossed.

Since I moved to London a couple of weeks ago I've been living life in the fast lane.
It's one he'll of a traffic jam.

The boss caught me sat on the phone earlier.
I'd have looked a lot less suspicious if it wasn't set to vibrate.

Now that my girlfriend is six months pregnant she's told me that she thinks she should read a baby book.
I couldn't agree more, I've bought her The Little Book of Calm.

I've been scouring town all day looking for a Brillo pad, and I had one in my hand all the time.

My lightbulb business is now at a make it or break it stage.

I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, but after complications during the birth he'll now be disabled for the rest of his life.
I was going to make a joke about it to cheer me up but I don't want another botched delivery.

Can't wait for the big draw tonight.
Rolf Harris Vs Tony Hart.

Real Estate Agent: Here is a house without a flaw
Customer: My goodness! What do you walk on?

My maths teacher explained to me that I didn't understand the sum of n numbers divided by n.
In the end he said I was an avereage student.
How mean.

My mate asked me if I knew which race committed the most crime.
I took a stab in the dark and said blacks.

I've just flown back from a 2 week all-inclusive holiday in Tunisia.
I had a riotous time.