I've just watched a sad program about a Gypsy family being forced out of every town they've ever tried to settle in.
It was a moving story.

I've hit rock bottom. All I do is sit in my room alone uploading depressing songs to my iPod.
I never thought I could sync solo.

I lost my dog the other day. I put some posters up but then I realised he can't read.

Worried about losing your hair ?
Shave it all off and keep it safe under your mattress.

I'm off to a really fancy hotel this weekend, Apparently they've got a swimming pool, Hot tub and even a spar. So that will be handy If I need some milk or tea bags.

I just had a dream that I was suffering from insomnia, I think.

My wife crashed into the back of a bus yesterday.
She thinks that's bad, yesterday I rear-ended an escort; He was furious.
I had only booked him until dinner.

I just saw an advert for "singlemuslim.com"
I've heard it's gone down a bomb in the arab community

Washing machine broke today. I got the wife and her Mother to sit on it. Works a treat now. Washing machines live longer with cows on.

My Geordie Nan said she'd heard Zsa Zsa Gabor had just become ECO friendly.
I said, "Nan, I think you'll find she's gangrene?"
"That's what I heard."

Personally I hate it when people try and create jokes around lyrics, you probably won't because you think you're cooler than me...

I applied for a job as a lumberjack, but the post was axed.

Never play Hide & Seek with a Born-again Christian.
After all, they've found God.

I keep spraying the wife with gold,
maybe I have a gilt complex.

I'm a Red driving school instructor.
I wish the students could see past my ginger hair.

At a wedding yesterday, I was reminded of a party I went to as a child...
That was an awful costume...

I've fallen head over heels for a compensation claim.

Dwarfism does not stop my mother from going on naturist holidays to enjoy nudity
When she does I like to call her my 'bare- mini-mum'

Fearing immanent riots, the Irish Government has accepted help from Nik Naks to supply the police with Riot Gear.
For every packet of Nik Naks sold, 10c will be donated to this cause.
Please support the Nik Nak Paddy Whack program.

My mate is really upset at losing all muscular control of his jaw.
I said, 'Chin up mate'

Sky news: Handbag Heroine fights off jewel store robbers armed with sledgehammers.
Wow, that's some strong smack.

Was chatting to my mate when this Asian guy comes up and says:
"Satsuma, clementine, orange, satsuma, satsuma, orange..."
I said to my mate "I haven't got a clue what he's saying."
My mate said "Thats because he's talking in Mandarin."

I cut a man up on the road today.
He was dead on the floor. How else was I going to get his gold watch off?

Electrics really brighten up my day.

BBC news: Rio, drug trafficker surrounded.
All that money from football and still he can't escape his black roots.