I'm writing a television show called "The year"
Hopefully it will last for four seasons

The wife's just cooked up a huge pot of Corned Beef Hash
I don't know why, but I can't stop eating it.

BBC News: Police hunt fees demo 'criminals'
Have they bothered to check the Houses of Parliament yet?

I've found some clues as to who stole the foundations of the new building but unfortunately, no concrete evidence.

I often wake up wondering....
...isn't sleepwalking dangerous ?

I woke up this morning with pins and needles in both my hands.
Threw them at the wife.

In my new stand up show I have learnt to take my time between Jokes 60 seconds works fine.
It's a laugh a minute.

What do stroke victims and halfcasts have in common?
Only half works.

I was walking the dog, and before I went into the shop for cigarettes, I tied him to the lampost.
He now has severely twisted and broken bones.

Last night me and my girlfriend were playing games. We were having fun on the bed and we just couldn't keep anything on! Just kept going up, down, up, down.
God I love playing Buckaroo.

I gave my girlfriend a drugged confectionery that allowed me to put a harness on her head so i can ride her from behind like a cowboy. Not the kind of bridle sweet she was expecting.

In a couple of weeks time, I'm going to lead a group of thugs & destroy the Royal family & parliament.
It's my New Years Revolution.

My bbq is all planned but my budget has gone on food and no entertainment......
So I have put some bird food out see if I can get some cheap music....

Shame they banned that man in Devon from walking his owls down the street. I imagine quite a few heads used to turn.

While in America David Cameron got to the white house and saw Barack waiting for him he thought 'Are they re-filming The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?'

Madness once challenged The Blockheads to a game of football.
The Blockheads won in Ian Dury time.

Cats.
Bin there, done that.

Sky News : Dad Finds His Children Dead In A Freezer
It would take a cold heart to make jest of this

Have you seen those new WD40 cans where they suggest 'even more uses'?
Well I saw mine had 'prevents mud from sticking to spades' written on the can.
So there I was sat at home, bored on a wet weekend in Croydon and I had a brainwave, I thought I could do my bit for the local community.
I wasn't half as popular as I thought I'd be at the hip-hop festival though.

Apperently i've got arachnophobia,
To be honest i'm scared of most places in the Middle East

I entered the National Mopping Championship.
I cleaned up.

I've just been complimented by a junkie.
High praise indeed.

A friend of mine is a Community Support Officer and he desperately wants to be a real copper.
It's his birthday next week - I'm gonna buy him twenty quids worth of truncheon vouchers.

My wife accused me of having the words most deadly fart,
She wouldn't leave me alone until I emitted it.

Imagine a world without apathetical situations...
Actually, you probably wouldn't care.