I'm writing a television show called "The year"
Hopefully it will last for four seasons

The wife's just cooked up a huge pot of Corned Beef Hash
I don't know why, but I can't stop eating it.

BBC News: Police hunt fees demo 'criminals'
Have they bothered to check the Houses of Parliament yet?

I've found some clues as to who stole the foundations of the new building but unfortunately, no concrete evidence.

I often wake up wondering....
...isn't sleepwalking dangerous ?

I woke up this morning with pins and needles in both my hands.
Threw them at the wife.

In my new stand up show I have learnt to take my time between Jokes 60 seconds works fine.
It's a laugh a minute.

What do stroke victims and halfcasts have in common?
Only half works.

I was walking the dog, and before I went into the shop for cigarettes, I tied him to the lampost.
He now has severely twisted and broken bones.

Last night me and my girlfriend were playing games. We were having fun on the bed and we just couldn't keep anything on! Just kept going up, down, up, down.
God I love playing Buckaroo.

I gave my girlfriend a drugged confectionery that allowed me to put a harness on her head so i can ride her from behind like a cowboy. Not the kind of bridle sweet she was expecting.

In a couple of weeks time, I'm going to lead a group of thugs & destroy the Royal family & parliament.
It's my New Years Revolution.

I entered the National Mopping Championship.
I cleaned up.

I've just been complimented by a junkie.
High praise indeed.

A friend of mine is a Community Support Officer and he desperately wants to be a real copper.
It's his birthday next week - I'm gonna buy him twenty quids worth of truncheon vouchers.

My wife accused me of having the words most deadly fart,
She wouldn't leave me alone until I emitted it.

Imagine a world without apathetical situations...
Actually, you probably wouldn't care.

I find it difficult to write on those touch screen monitors.
So it's back to the drawing board.

I was laying awake in bed last night trying to get off for ages.
In the end I gave up and fell sleep.

I killed my brother whist I was drink driving.
Golf ball right between the eyes.

The police gave me a severe warning yesterday for undertaking in the hard shoulder of the motorway.
They didn't so much mind the top hat and horse and carriage, but felt embalming a body in full daylight was offputting to other drivers.

The police gave me a severe warning yesterday for undertaking in the hard shoulder of the motorway.
They didn't so much mind the top hat and horse and carriage, but felt embalming a body in full daylight was offputting to other drivers.

Mary Byrne got a Brazilian.
Literally.

Pirate DVDs. i don't get it, they don't even have TVs

Pirate DVDs. i don't get it, they don't even have TVs