I find it difficult to write on those touch screen monitors.
So it's back to the drawing board.

I was laying awake in bed last night trying to get off for ages.
In the end I gave up and fell sleep.

I killed my brother whist I was drink driving.
Golf ball right between the eyes.

The police gave me a severe warning yesterday for undertaking in the hard shoulder of the motorway.
They didn't so much mind the top hat and horse and carriage, but felt embalming a body in full daylight was offputting to other drivers.

The police gave me a severe warning yesterday for undertaking in the hard shoulder of the motorway.
They didn't so much mind the top hat and horse and carriage, but felt embalming a body in full daylight was offputting to other drivers.

Mary Byrne got a Brazilian.
Literally.

Pirate DVDs. i don't get it, they don't even have TVs

Pirate DVDs. i don't get it, they don't even have TVs

Cataracts - You don't see them anymore

I have a nervous tick.
It can't suck blood with people watching.

What's the difference between the Solar System and Lilly Allen?
The Solar System has a sun

To be honest when i'm naked i've got nothing against barbwire.

Driving through town today, my mate said "10 points if you hit the Paki".
I hit him so well that the police gave me 12 points and a fine.
I don't know what you need to do to get an excellent.

I was going to invent a device to shield fruit and veg stalls from rain.
But the market's already saturated.

I used to be indecisive...
It was a stupid name, no idea why I stuck with it for so long.

There's a direct correlation between my erection and my wife.
It goes down when she does.

I'm a huge fan of crisscrossing lines.
It's unparalleled.

I entered a race where one foot had to be in contact with the ground at all times.
I walked it.

I don't know what my butcher's problem is.
Today I asked him for a hot chop, but he gave me the cold shoulder.

Why did Surtees retire from the race?
Because he got tyred.

She rolled her eyes at me, so I rolled them back.

I played a blinder of a football match earlier, scoring a hat-trick.
All the other parents said that I had ruined the game though.

My wife told me she wanted a throw on the sofa.
So I body-slammed her.

I've turned my life completely around. I used to be free and single, but now I'm single and free.

My friend told me that no one does a barbie better than an Australian.
Ken has probably got something to say about that.