Cataracts - You don't see them anymore

I have a nervous tick.
It can't suck blood with people watching.

What's the difference between the Solar System and Lilly Allen?
The Solar System has a sun

To be honest when i'm naked i've got nothing against barbwire.

Driving through town today, my mate said "10 points if you hit the Paki".
I hit him so well that the police gave me 12 points and a fine.
I don't know what you need to do to get an excellent.

I was going to invent a device to shield fruit and veg stalls from rain.
But the market's already saturated.

My bbq is all planned but my budget has gone on food and no entertainment......
So I have put some bird food out see if I can get some cheap music....

Shame they banned that man in Devon from walking his owls down the street. I imagine quite a few heads used to turn.

While in America David Cameron got to the white house and saw Barack waiting for him he thought 'Are they re-filming The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?'

Madness once challenged The Blockheads to a game of football.
The Blockheads won in Ian Dury time.

Cats.
Bin there, done that.

Sky News : Dad Finds His Children Dead In A Freezer
It would take a cold heart to make jest of this

Have you seen those new WD40 cans where they suggest 'even more uses'?
Well I saw mine had 'prevents mud from sticking to spades' written on the can.
So there I was sat at home, bored on a wet weekend in Croydon and I had a brainwave, I thought I could do my bit for the local community.
I wasn't half as popular as I thought I'd be at the hip-hop festival though.

Apperently i've got arachnophobia,
To be honest i'm scared of most places in the Middle East

I used to be indecisive...
It was a stupid name, no idea why I stuck with it for so long.

There's a direct correlation between my erection and my wife.
It goes down when she does.

I'm a huge fan of crisscrossing lines.
It's unparalleled.

I entered a race where one foot had to be in contact with the ground at all times.
I walked it.

I don't know what my butcher's problem is.
Today I asked him for a hot chop, but he gave me the cold shoulder.

Why did Surtees retire from the race?
Because he got tyred.

She rolled her eyes at me, so I rolled them back.

I played a blinder of a football match earlier, scoring a hat-trick.
All the other parents said that I had ruined the game though.

My wife told me she wanted a throw on the sofa.
So I body-slammed her.

I've turned my life completely around. I used to be free and single, but now I'm single and free.

My friend told me that no one does a barbie better than an Australian.
Ken has probably got something to say about that.