Just tried my hand at standup.
My feet were definitely better.

My girlfriend has been sat staring at an empty can of Pepsi for an hour wondering when she is going to get her free sugar.

I'm going to start a business that installs nitrous boosters to armoured trucks.
I'll be laughing all the way to the bank.

Self-referential humour makes me sick to the core.

Exciting goings on at number 10 last night, I see.
She caught him having it off with the young girl at number 17.

I've had my hopes of learning morse code dashed.

I told Rihanna that I thought my maths homework was too difficult, but she just told me to shut up and derive.

I was trying to cut a piece of wood using a saw.
I couldn't cope.

I'm getting bored with our local silk worm wrestling contest.
It always ends in a tie.

I'm trying to battle my addiction to roundabouts.
Unfortunately, I'm not getting very far.

Sky News: Mother dies after house fire that killed her children
The children's heartbroken aunt Nadia Naqui, 28, described the pair as "angels".
....thanks Nadia for pointing out the obvious there.....moron.

Apparently Manchester United were so impressed by Sebastian Abreu's performance for Uruguay they have launched a bid for him. They are also looking at fellow team mates Kadabreu and Alak Azam

Politics turns me on for some strange reason.
I'm politically erect?

I really hate making card houses.
I just cant stand them.

I got arrested for hitting my wife with a golf club today.
I just wanted to putt her in her place.

For years I struggled to make a sound when snapping my fingers.
Then suddenly it clicked.

Just when I thought our wedding day couldn't get any better, the mother in law died during our reception after she choked on some food.
It was the icing on the cake.

For what I lack in beauty,
I make-up

What did the gold digger say to the girl at the bar?
Your place or mine.

More ale improves morale.

I need to master the art of patience........quickly

Two of my favourite words are 'innuendos' & 'euphamisms'.
I like to get my mouth round big ones.

I've got a new job looking after pigeons suffering from OCD.
The wage is rubbish, but my workplace is full of tidy birds.

My wife has thrown away all our 60w lightbulbs and insisted we only use low power energy saving ones from now on.
I'll never look at her in the same light again.

Huddersfield town sign Scannell.
WOW! A new bus.