I once had an affair with a member of the Royal family.
I'm not allowed to say who , for regal liasions.

I know a female teacher who hates women.
Ms. Ogynist.

If when asked to work some overtime, do night shift workers phone home and say "Sorry love, I have to work early."?

I said goodbye today to my epileptic friend.
Seizure later.

I've got a dark skinned buddy named Barry down at work. He helps with my schedule etc. I call him my Black Barry

I think I have a fetish for books.
Every time I think about reading, I always have to touch my shelf.

My dad says I'm likely to lose my vision when I'm older as its hereditary but personally I can't see it happening.

I brought a card table today...
On reflection, a wooden one would've been better.

I work in a shop that sells fake facial hair. It gets really busy around this time of year and I struggle to process each order on time, so you can imagine how annoyed I get at the people who come in and say they just want two brows.

The secret cannabis farm at the end of my street has caught fire.
There's a high police presence in the area right now.

My mate thinks because I work at customs, I'll turn a blind eye to him bringing cocaine into the country.
It's stupid, irresponsible and frankly, I won't let him go through with it.

Turned on the birds-eye view on Google Maps earlier.
Funny... all it did was label all the most expensive shoe shops.

I've finally found out how to drive around corners.
It's been a learning curve.

I'd just perfected my Arctic Monkeys-themed lollipops when my wife walked in.
"They look tasty, what flavours are there" she asked.
"Suck it and see" I replied.

If you forget that you have alzheimers, does that mean you remember everything?

I took a Taxi to work this morning.
I ate it around 10 o'clock with a nice cup of coffee.

I always used to go and see my nan as a school boy.
I used to tell her: "Nan, stop dressing as a school boy".

I bought a rubber stamp today.
Now I just need to decide where to send my rubber.

Just planted a few bulbs.
Gonna have my own solar plant!

My wife told me to quit my obsession with chip shop jokes...
...needless to say I battered her!

I've decided that instead of having a birthday I'm going to level up.
That way I don't get older I just get more powerful.

At school I was always hopeless at fractions, half the time I didn't have a clue what any of the numbers meant.
Well I say half the time.

My super power is antonyms. It's a blessing and a curse.

I've just been admitted into a mental hospital, apparently I suffer from autism.
Yesterday, one of the nurses walked by my bed:
"Excuse me love, do you know when I'm getting out of here, there's nothing wrong with me!"
"Oh, not for some time I'm afraid. You have a severe case of autism where you randomly say palindromes without even knowing."
"That's ridiculous..." I moaned.
The nurse left my bed side and walked away, it was at this point I looked out my bedside window and noticed a load of caravans and 4x4's pulling into the hospital car park. In a panic, I screamed:
"Nurse, I spy gypsies, run!"

I had to drive all the way to the 34th floor of a Multi-storey car park
I was fuming on so many levels