My mate promised me a great time if I went with him to the pleasure beach.
I thought "Fair play"

To be healthier in 2012, I'm going to drink 3.14 coffees a day.
It's all about the Pi Lattes.

Is this la-z-boy arm chair more comfy than a normal one?
I have to say I'm inclined to agree.

Two worms stood in a cue.
One says "Can you smell wood?"

2 apples on a date, she hoped it'd be romantic, he just wanted to be in cider...

I can definitely see myself getting old with my current girlfriend.
In less than a year, probably.

I donated to a charity for psychopathic criminals the other day. I didn't want to, but apparently it was fundamental.

I went to Earls Court once and made an exhibition of myself.

My concept of an 'erasable pen' was rejected by the guys at Dragons' Den.
However they did say it was a good idea, at least on paper.

I wonder if Whitneys school teacher regrets making her do all those lines

Last night i asked my wife if she knew any lyrics to a Fleetwood Mac song.
"Of course i do" She replied "how about tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies?"
"Okay" i replied "You are not a fat, ugly cow".

I've decided to do my bit to save the Euro.
I bought myself a piggy bank.

I used to work in a Velcro shop, but I had to quit after I got too attached to my job.

What do you call the police in Morocco?
The Fez.

I stopped off at the kebab shop on the way home to get a take away for dinner. As I was carrying it home I heard 'like a virgin, touched for the very first time' singing out of the carrier bag! At first I thought it was strange but on closer inspection I descovered it was my donner.

The teacher asked, "What's occurred?"
I said, "It's a smelly person from Iraq."

Ever since I misplaced my dictionary, I've been at a loss for words.

My girlfriend came home from a long day at work last night so I said, "I'll make you chilli in a bit."
"Awww, thank you!" she said.
"Yeah, I'm turning the heating off, save some money."

My mum was driving me up the wall today.
Her new stairlift is great.

DIY can be fun but only when it's riveting.

I just bought the remastered edition of Roots. What a rip-off; the slaves are still free in the end.

Why did I go to Superdrug in my slippers?
Because I didn't want to go in Boots.

I was in the pub last night when my friend started doing card tricks to 5 pints of beer.
I said to him, "Stop fooling a round."

I found a Microsoft office disc on the pavement today.
Well that's the word on the street

Cops pulled me over and arrested me for the crack in my windscreen.
I always forget to hide my drugs in the glove compartment.