I went on a blind date last night.
I just told her it was raining.

I was thrown out of Furniture making College for misunderstanding
'Stool Samples' during my Practical exam.

I lost my job at the deed poll office today after a Jewish guy asked me to change his name from Jeremiah to Ashley.
Apparently It's inappropriate to change my name to 'Hitler' just because I've turned one Jew to Ash.

I was told to use as many key words as possible before going into to my interview but my mind blanked when I got in there.
I could only think of 'skeleton and master' at the time.

I once knew a man that detested everything.
He led abhorring life.

I brought my wife a jigsaw with the words "You are really fat" on the front.
Don't know why she got so upset, it was only a bit of constructive criticism.

My psychiatrist reckons i suffer from extreme anxiety and paranoia
But i don't take any notice of him, he's always had it in for me.

My wife left me because of my obsession with morse code.
Her name's Dot and she made a dash for it.

I think Lou Reed's autobiography is a great toilet book

So this guy came up to me and asked if I would mind telling him about my current level of perspiration.
I was like "Yeah no sweat mate".

I can't see the point in particle physics and finding the origins of the universe.
Why are we even bothering to look for that matter?

After a swim today I was in the changing room, when I noticed a Father and child in the corner.
The little boy was trying to put his shorts on, but the priest kept pulling them down.

We can end wars across the globe simply by renaming all guns "The Messenger".

I was playing in a football match with some of my work colleagues. My boss had the ball and was running towards the opposition goal; I was quickly following beside him...
"Lay me off!" I shouted
I no longer have a job.

What's the difference between Circular Quay and a poof with AIDS?
One's a ferry terminal, the other is a a terminal fairy.

Giving up drugs is hard, but I'll have a crack at it.

If I had a Billion pounds for every time I confused people people......
I'd be a Millionaire

I allowed someone to paint a portrait of myself on a 30 foot canvas, which was big of me.

At the funfair saw a sign, said "Axe hanging over funfair, please help us."
Then it hit me, bit of a sore point to be honest.

Why don't Nun's wear bra's?
Because 'God' supports them.

My 4 year old daughter drew me a picture today - needless to say it looked like the paper had been sick on itself, but of course I said to her 'Oh thank you darling, on the fridge it goes!' She was so pleased. But luckily, I didn't specify who's fridge it would be and I haven't been to see my Mum in ages...

It was a bit pointless teaching my dog how to sit.
No sane person will trust a rottweiler to look after their children.

Hear about the lonely prisoner in a Glasgow jail?
He was in his cell.

I love going to dress shops and trying on the odd fancy frock.
I'm a bit of a frill seeker.

My mate has offered to give me a gate with one minor flaw, at no expense.
Where's the catch?