I love church singers
Apparently it's a choired taste

I just came all over my new girlfriend's rack,
I think she's going to break up with me when she gets home and see's the stain on her dress.

Just seen the Spanish version of The Highlander
There can be only Juan

Joe Bloggs.
About what?

Sky news -
'Fighting Focuses On Gaddafi's Home Town'
I never knew Ford made transformers...

There's a thin line between obsessive and compulsive.
It's a hyphen

I was locked in a house of cards earlier.
It was solitaire confinement.

If anyone wants to complain about me, I invite them to use a microphone placed next to a large speaker.
I always like to get feedback.

I think you know you take your neighbourhood watch duties a bit too seriously when you buy a cape

I bought a Pole at the slave trading expo yesterday.
Paid with a Czech.

I hate it when people make jokes about the Polish.
I mean, it makes my shelves look ever so shiny.

Pulled a girl who said she'd sleep with me only if I promised to call her Back.
Strange nickname I thought.

My daughter is obsessed with shoes, and for her birthday she stated she wanted a brand news pair of Vans.
What she's planning to do with two transits ill never know.

My neighbours got angry when I nailed all the gates shut on my street.
I should have known it would cause a fence.

I've just found ten dead bodies in my fridge.
It must be a serial chiller.

I'm fed up in my job at the moment. I want to become a cash register engineer.
I think the change would do me good.

I saw an old friend working in ASDA today.
He said, "I haven't seen you since the customer help desk closed down. How have you been?"
I said, "Can't complain"

Just seen a non-pirate version of the new Johnny Depp film.
Very boring, just lots of sea.

Have I ever told you guys about the time I tied my shoe laces with only the power of my mind?
Thought knot.

I've finally met Miss Right.
I knew there would be a stroke victim willing to put up with my jokes.

Walking down the hotel corridor, I came to a door that had 'Refuse' written on it.
So I didn't go in.

Daily Mail: "How's that for a remarkable young man? Cricket prodigy is talented spin bowler despite having NO HANDS"
Unfortunately when he goes into bat he's always stumped.

My new neighbour moved in the other day, he's a muslim. He's called Brad and he drives a Ford.

I'm always falling out with my friends.
We're skydivers.

Went up to the counter at an airport and said, "BUKAHH! BUK BUK BUKAAAHH!!"
The clerk said, "Sorry sir. This is the check-in desk."