Every time I meet someone I can't help but greet them...
Must be hay-fever.

I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean

I was playing football with a group of anorexics and two of them started arguing about who would go in goal.
In the end I had to get between the sticks

Lots of people have been defending Amy Winehouse after her death.
I mean its like they are trying to make her out to be some sort of heroine.

I met my girlfriend in a photographer's dark room.
Things just developed from there.

My friend has made a new type of birdbox to help new birds fledge.
Can't really see it taking off.

Jokes about buoyancy aids, they never go down well

Did you hear about that Russian guy, who beat Usain Bolt's 100 metre dash, record?
I think his name was Igor Zuminov

People have said that I can't write good songs.
But I have a proven track record.

If you see a bargain french loaf of bread, bag it.

My son doesn't look half the boy he used to be since Billie died...
They were Siamese twins.

After many years, I'm leaving my job of being a gardener. I'm turning over a new leaf.

Loose Women:
The most ironic name for a programme, ever.

Just got back from Capetown.
My Superman costume is now complete.

Do you think there's money to be made from the smell of fear?
I've bottled it.

There's nothing quite like an anatomy teacher with a great sense of humor.

I had a dream about Martin luther king last night.
Isnt that ironic.

I saw an American flag in shades of grey, with just 40 stars on it.
It was very understated.

I met my wife on a hair styling course at college.
We gelled together.

I've just emptied the wife's tank of fish, She parked in the river again.

Congratulations to Li Na on being the first Asian to win a Grand Slam in Tennis.
Or Lithium Sodium, as she's known to geeks everywhere.

It's hard to keep up with insomniacs.

I took the wife to see some rare old sights today.
We went to a gun museum.

I'd love to be a coin, you're either getting head or chasing tail.

Rte News: Farmer says cows are disappearing from his farm one by one.
Well one usually follows the udder.