My wife sent me shopping earlier, and told me to pick up the bear essentials.
I didn't even know that we had one, but I did as she asked, and picked up a large jar of honey.

I always thought 'despair' was the extra wheel in the boot of a car.

My Spanish girlfriend was cheating on me with a Lurpak salesman so i hired a mantequilla

My mate Dave lives in a castle with a round table and some chivalrous knights.
He's a bit of a legend.

Above all, a house needs a roof.

I have no options left now in relation to university. They've stopped doing multiple choice entry exams.

My wife always makes sure the table is cleared before dinner is served at seven.
If she didn't play as much pool, maybe I would be eating by six.

The power in my house just went out.
I came back a few hours later, drunk, and beat my wife.

Ever since I got a job working for the US government I've been in the best shape of my life.
The Pentagon

How does Noel Gallagher do his food shopping? Lidl by Lidl

I like to meditate while I work in my babershop in Jamaica.
Don't know what I'd do without it...
I dread to think.

I slept with another woman last night.
That's two now.

Thank the lord for Geography...
I don't know where I'd be without it.

The inventor of the Monorail has a one track mind.

That brain-teaser hotline is an absolute con.
I phoned it the other day, but there was no answer.

My son just wrapped one of my diagrams in aluminum.
That's my plan well and truly foiled.

Hear about the emo that went into voluntary liquidation?
Stuck his hand in a blender.

Why did the Scottish man keep going to the toilet?
He had a wee problem.

I really enjoy April Showers.
I'm just glad she's into water sports.

You have to look hard to be an auctioneer.
It's essential to look forbidding.

I said to my dog "Roll over boy, roll over"
He said "I don't care I haven't got a lottery ticket"

I said to this rastafarian today, "can you tell me an Arabic country in the middle east currently experiencing political unrest"?
He said, "yeah man".

I always knew MC Tributary had a good flow...
It's a shame he went mainstream.

The wife refuses to do anything when she is on,which I think is very unfair.
I never moan when its my turn to be the captor when we play hide and seek.

I found my wife covered with jam and pastry.
I love it when she gets tarted up for me.