Real Estate Agent: Here is a house without a flaw
Customer: My goodness! What do you walk on?

My mate asked me if I knew which race committed the most crime.
I took a stab in the dark and said blacks.

I've just flown back from a 2 week all-inclusive holiday in Tunisia.
I had a riotous time.

I played a small role in a new film.
I'm a dwarf.

I knew I had to act quickly when my wife confronted my girlfriend and they began to fight.
I ran inside to get the camcorder before it finished.

Everyone laughed when I started my degree in locksmithing.
But it's really opened some doors for me.

My older brother who I've never met went off the rails when he was about 17.
Then jumped back onto them and got nailed by a train.

These new plain clothes police officers are rubbish - I can spot a man in a pilot's suit a mile off.

Cults are amazing - better than sects.

When there's a big sale at a Garden centre it's always the same.
Hundreds of angry Gardeners bushing and shrubbing

I just bought a round green jacket with a brown stem.
Its an Apple Mac.

My wife has a weight problem.
I've stacked all my dumbells on top of her.

I got pulled over several times yesterday for speeding. The last time i got pulled over, he said,
"This is the third time i've had to book you today."
I never knew Graham Poll was a policeman?

The number of secure cars these days are alarming.

I have a cousin called Joe King...
It's a shame no-one can take him seriously...

Your Honour, I think you're crazy.
Sorry, that's just judge mental.

The weather's pretty bad today, I nearly got caught in a shower earlier.
The ladies shower at the gym.

I can't stop myself from attending pirate themed parties.
I'm hooked.

My wife was absolutely distraught when I decided to come out of the closet.
It put her boyfriend right off his rhythm.

Sky News: A man had a bullet lodged in the back of his head for five years because he was too drunk to realise.
"Obviously had one to many shots then."

What's with all my Facebook friends posting their status as 'Reading'? I've been reading since I was five.

Never follow a friends advice.
"Go to Subway for dinner, It's expensive but it's lovely!"
So I did, and my friend was half right, It was expensive. But after 3 hours of riding around on trains I was skint and still starving.

I smashed a computer over my girlfriend's head last week.
She was asking for IT.

I've tried to improve business at my delicatessen by going out on the street to sell my cheese.
But people just smile politely.

This evening I was trying to work out why my central heating thermostat wasn't working.... then it clicked!!!!