I placed an advert in the job centre for a 'PVC Specialist'
All the applicants arrived in bondage suits and gimp masks... maybe I should have added that we also make conservatories in Wood and Aluminium.

I can't believe the price of Diesel these days.
Ninety quid for a pair of jeans!

I don't know why my wife was so angry when she found out that I'd been sleeping with a Finnish girl called Minulle Mitaan.
It means nothing to me.

I go around handing out hot water bottles and blankets at comedy gigs.
I'm the warm up act.

I learnt a certain way of boiling eggs today.
I learned the hard way.

Sir Alex Ferguson has stated that the only way he would part with defender Rio Ferdinand would be for two goalkeepers.
In a recent press conference he said, "A Ferdinand is worth two in the net."

I was out on the boat with the missus today when she said, "If I fell out of this boat would a shark swallow me whole?"
I replied, "Nah. He'd spit that bit out."

Me and my wife were about to go on the karaoke in our local when she pulled out at the last minute.
I was furious i had to duet myself.

I observed a minute's silence earlier.
I saw a dwarf take the fifth amendment in court.

I was discussing football injuries with my mate today,
For me Henrik Larssons stuck out the most.

I can remember getting stoned at school...
The teachers where a lot more brutal in my day.

I was run over by a train the other day. Guess I shouldn't have worn a tracksuit.

When I woke up this morning my head was spinning.
The wife freaked out and called an exorcist.

I'm absolutely sick of the harsh markers at university.
I'm gonna buy my own felt tips.

I just got a free Hula Hoop for buying the Daily Mail.
Don't know what flavour they were though, because it tasted like plastic.

I've just seen some wolf meat on sale in Tesco.
So I bought a pack.

This next song is about violence.
Hit it!

My hair has got to a ridiculous length. I think it's reached the cut off point.

When I interrupted my husband telling me that his best friend had been killed by pulling up my blouse to reveal a huge pair of control pants, he stormed out of the room in disgust.
I don't know why he was so angry, I was just trying to show him a bit of support.

I wasn't sure whether to quit my guitar lessons, so I decided to play it by ear.
But that just made my head sore.

A friend of mine earned a lot of money a few years back from his singing career, but recently he fell on hard times and ended up bankrupt.
Subsequently, he ended up throwing himself off a cruise ship.
He's washed up now.

I took my dog to the vet earlier to ask why he has legs like hockey sticks.
"It's a lacrosse breed", he replied.

BBC news: Controversial pastor banned from UK
Is it fusilli or rigatoni?

I have been fully converted from an atheist to a muslim, I have even changed my appearance too.
Just the other night someone said to me: "You da bomb!".

I asked this hot girl who makes blueprints out on a date the other day but she knocked me back.
She said she had other plans.