I'm going out with a surgeon.
She doesn't half scrub up well.

I went to see the doctor the other day.
As expected, he was still there.

I've just invented a liquid that will burn through anything.
I can't find anything to keep it in.

I got punched yesterday.
It was the longest word on the scrabble board.

If a group of people hold a demonstration against the trial use of drugs on animals, are they protesting?

Just opened a clothes shop with the lowest prices around.
I've been thanked by a few midgets for putting the cost signs on the floor.

Don't bother checking 'Zelda's strap-on adventure' on the Internet.
The Link's broken.

BBC News: Obama To Improve Muslim Ties.
Is he going to shine their shoes for them too?

I've named my daughter Semitism so that when my son has a kid, she'll be known as
Auntie-Semitism.

My wife's just bought me a new jersey.
I look a right state.

I went to a car boot sale this morning.
I don't know why, I've got a hatch-back.

I keep lying awake at night wondering which hairstyle to have done.
So many permutations.

I used the cheesiest chat-up line on a girl the other day. "You can sample some of my fromage"

I can't remember the name of those cheesey crisps in a blue bag..... Wotsit called?

What is the difference between a rock concert held on the grave of Oscar Wilde and Terry Wogan's toupee?
One is a gig on a wit...

Homeopathy. nothing works as well.

That wheelchair man, Jodi McIntyre seemed so innocent, you have to ask yourself why he was there in the middle of student riots in the first place?
I say someone had to have pushed him into it.

I've got the wife's Christmas present from that Amazon place
Its a crocodile

My doctor told me I need to seriously stop eating junk food, starting with the half-eaten apple I just fished from his office bin.

BBC News: Stormot to hold NI abuse enquiry
The famous Knights are still said to be in shock from the ordeal.

I would join the Church of England but I'm worried that it's too dangerous.
I've heard that they have a lot of casual teas.

For Xmas, I've bought my wife a large Tub of Unibond Silicone from B&Q and cleverly disguised it in a Amazon Eucaplyptus Lily plant. She's gonna be thrilled!
She's be asking all year for some Silicone in plants.

I can't stand when people call me names.
John or Eric would've been fine but my parents thought they were funny.

Sadly my new book on depression didn't do so well.

Due to various disabilities I can only smell and touch.
That's my two sense worth.