My mate said, "I don't know how to work this helmet."
I said, "Use your head."

Due to various disabilities I can only smell and touch.
That's my two sense worth.

Invited my mate round earlier for a jigsaw night.
He couldn't make it..

Went to see a pantomime about the Alphabet...
turned out to be a word play.

I have some earth shattering tales about epileptic elephants.

Rag and bone men.
Ironically, they get the right hump when you offer them just rags and bones.

I was once caught in a cemetery after lock up.
I was told if I didn't get out I would face grave consequences.

Just got back from the local chinese, what a nightmare!
I only asked for beef, thats when the trouble started.

What do you call twin policemen?
Copies.

I went for a short back and sides today.
Well I wasn't going to let a midget swear at me and get away with it.

Tomorrow is my first day at a factory that makes thermometers.
Unfortunately, its only a temp job.

Apparently some African bishop's into his ballroom dancing.
It takes Tutu Tango.

Whats the difference between a Chinese takeaway and my 6yr old daughter?
I ate my Chinese in last night

I am currently writing the definitive guide to beer.
I've already finished the draught copy.

I keep trying to talk to my mates about my problems with erectile dysfunction and impotence, but the subject just never comes up.

What have the NHS got against cervixes, why the smear campaign?

Whilst on holiday in Dubai, my brother was jailed for ten years for mugging a local.
They take Ahmed robbery very seriously indeed.

dark humour, some people just dont see it.

BBC News reported that Leona Lewis and Sarah Jessica Parker have fired their agents.
Both stars have apparently contacted a top European agency who say they are eager to take over the reins.

People who say they shave every day are just bare-faced liars.

I had a weird dream about a long slimy fish being knighted by the queen.
It was Sir Eel.

Since yobs nicked the postie's bike he's been working tyrelessly

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

Ive never hit my wife,
In all fairness though it is a cheap gun

I can read a book in under a second.
After all,it's only two words.