Why did the line painter cross the road?
Because it was a hatched area.

A girl gave me a fiver to see my snake, Anaconda, I kept her fiver.

BBC News:Cannibal star gobbles neighbour.
He's probably bitten off more than he can chew?

I'm managing a solo 80s tribute act. He's a conductor that plays tunes on his Dyson with the lights turned off;
Orchestral Man Hoovers In The Dark.

I've just been warned about some Italian domestic graffiti artists.
Apparently, they'll tagliatelle.

I've just spent 45 minutes in Dorothy Perkins.
Worst thing is she didn't even realise for the first half hour.

My Palestinian mate had a bout of chronic indigestion.
I suggested Settlers.
I was only trying to be helpful.....

My mate says working at Mr Minute must be soul-destroying.
I said "No, it's just the opposite."

Ever since my house was possessed by ghosts, I haven't had the energy to do anything, and it's starting to affect my health.
I really need to exorcise.

My Daughter suffers from Drug abuse.
Don't ask why my parents called me "Drug."

I was just watching, A Place In The Sun today and the voiceover guy said "They will have to put their plans to build a new house in Madeira on ice."
Surely it would be built on mud.

The village council have paid for a worn down road in our village which leads to a special needs school to be repaired. Its a retarred road.

At school, my friend pushed the teacher into a cryogenic chamber.
He was suspended.

"Iraq rejects calls for vote recount" BBC NEWS
I guess we just couldn't get through to them.

I can get string to do almost anything i want,
I've got it wrapped around my little finger.

I went to buy a walking stick earlier today but the only ones they had in stock were barely two feet long.
I asked the salesman about it and he said they were short staffed...

What do you call a crocodile that cuts up cheese?
An alligrater.

I bought one of those leak detectors from B&Q.
But all I keep finding is carrots and potatoes....

Me and my girlfriend had a huge fight last night which ended up with her saying 'You're dead to me'.
So I ran at her at top speed and knocked her to the floor.
Well if I was dead to her, I would be a ghost and would have gone straight through.

I was the teacher's pet when I was at school.
She couldn't afford a dog.

The kids have emphatically said they don't want me to help them with their homework, because I'm always getting things slightly wrong ...
I said .'OK, fine. But remember what goes around, comes down'

Don't forget to tune in next week for our Alzheimer's special.

I've just seen a shooting star.
Ron Jeremy.

When I went on holiday I took a case full of 70s bawdy comedy films, it was my Carry On luggage.

Jack & Jill went up the hill to smoke a little leaf. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and Jill said, "Where's the beef?"