Looked through the window this morning and noticed a bloke was stealing all the gates in the street. I didn't say anything though in case he took offense.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with electricity
It's not my volt

'I guess you put all your eggs in one basket,' I laughed.
Turns out that wasn't the best way to ease the tension after the wife's 0% fertility test result at the clinic

Emile Heskey is on the look out for a club.
He missed the ball and it flew out of his hand during a game of golf earlier.

My mum threatened to stab me in the eye with a needle yesterday.
I failed to see the point in this.

I just clapped a fly.
For managing to hit my window 242 times without dying.

My friend showed me the fish at the bottom of his garden.
One of them fluttered its eyelashes at me, then quickly swum away.
I think it was a little coy.

I've just bought a copy of my own autobiography.
That says a lot about me as a person.

I just had a box of Kleenex thrown at me.
It's okay, it was only soft tissue damage..

British Airways and Air France.
They came.
They saw.
They concorde.

My mate told me there's no such thing as talking money.
I said "I've got twenty quid that says there is"

I ran into a few difficulties when I first started my business of providing exercise routines for 70's rock bands.
It's fine now though, I've worked out the kinks.

I've just eaten a yogurt that correctly guesses your time and cause of death.
It was a Muller Coroner...

I'm a raging alcoholic, it's okay though my girlfriend loves the Irish accent.

My antique Georgian mahogany writing desk has wormholes.
I opened a drawer and ended up in the Nebula Galaxy.

I was going to ask out a girl who works un-feathering chickens, but I couldn't pluck up the courage to ask.

I met my wife whilst we were both having a go on the Coconut Shy at the fairground.
We hit it off immediately.

I divided 3 into 1 in my sleep.
It's a recurring dream.

Don't push me cause i'm close to the edge...
But I'm not too keen on Bono.

I was playing brick breaker with my new Blackberry earlier. The brick won.

A homeless man came up to me and said, ''Will suck for money!''
I thought about and said, ''yeah, why not!''
He stunk of urine but my carpet hasn't been that clean in years.

I asked my lawyer how he slept at night?
"First I lie on one side,"he said, "Then I lie on the other."

If the chemical composition of Water is 'H2O' . .
Is the chemical composition of Holy Water, 'H2OMG' ?

I joined The Pessimists Society.
Where we agree to disagree.

Whenever I meet new people, I tell them that I drive a gritting lorry during snowfall.
It helps to break the ice...