I make a joke and everyone in Russia kicks off! I was only being tsarcastic.

So after hitting the thousand-mile mark in the A4, one question sprung to mind..
How can a paper car be so reliable?

Whenever people ask what I do for a living I always say I work for the United Nations.
Because thinking about it, I have been UN employed for a while now...

I proposed to my girlfriend during an asphyxiation session, but she left me hanging.

My Grandmother has got Alzheimers and when she wasn't looking today I put an acid tab in her drink and started talking about old times.
I thought I'd give her a trip down memory lane.

January is such a long month.
So I've started using the abbreviation "Jan" instead..

My mate said he would love to have Mark Wahlberg's arms so for his birthday I gave him Mark's adress and an axe.

Did you hear about the Jewish suicide bomber?
He brew himself up.

I haven't used my eBook reader for a while.
Maybe it's time to rekindle our relationship.

I knew my job in the local butchers was coming to an end.
I could feel it in my bones.

As soon as the wife put her foot through the door I knew it.
I should've gone with solid oak.

As I was staring at myself in the mirror this morning ,
I thought I was seeing double , or was that just me ?

I hate when Barry White comes to my dinner parties.
He really lowers the tone.

My friends say I try too hard to keep up with the times.
It's not my fault the papergirl has a bike.

My new novel, 'Arm down the U-bend', is riding high in this week's book charts.
May reach number two.

My parents went to Southeast Asia and all I got was this Laosy t-shirt.

As a kid I wanted to be a gingerbread man. But as I grew older I realised I wasn't cut out for it.

I liked that film where angry football fans wear masks and go after the evil dictator. FIFA Vendetta.

After abolition of the slave trade it meant that there was no more monkey buisnes.

No matter which channel I switch to, the Swedish Chef is on all of them. I think my TV's borken.

My Girlfriend left me because she thinks I have an obsession with windows,
I've never felt such emotional pane.

I sometimes like to set up a mirror and watch my old home movies in it..
..and just reflect on my life.

I'm the worst at hide and seek in the whole hospital.
I'm always found in the I.C.U.

When I was young my best friend was a paper boy.
I was a very lonely child.

I lost my job at the local garage checking tyres
I couldn't take the pressure.