My mate's not really an epileptic but he tells everyone that he is.
He's a convulsive liar.

I've just had to reboot my computer because it broke.
I probably shouldn't have booted it in the first place.

I watched Amy Winehouse's last concert on YouTube.
She was like a double-amputee pirate stuck on land: legless and missing the high seas.

I've never got a hole in one.
It's the reason I got fired from the Polo factory.

When I was a child, my father always spoon fed me.
Never really liked the taste of metal.

As I stood next to my cooking wife, I thought to myself,
"Maybe it's too late to drag her out of that burning car now"

I like to choke the chicken, bash the bishop and jerk the gherkin at every opportunity.
I'm quickly running out of farms, churches and delicatessens that I'm not barred from.

I was just accused by my Jewish neighbour of being an anti-Semite!
I replied, "That's an outrageous accusation! Geez, get with the pogrom!"

My wife was trying to get me to admit I take drugs:
"A ten pound note says you're a user" She said
"And you say I take hallucinogenic substances..." I replied

Frankensteins monster is so forgetful
He'd lose his head if it wasn't screwed on.

I posted a signboard in school today, telling everyone to vote my mate Rick to be President of all Superheroes, because he can generate power charges from his body.
Someone read the post, and said, "Electric?"
I said, "Yes, for President."

did you hear about the dyslexic pervert?
he took his nipple clamps back to M&S Direct

I made a stand-up-comedy show in front of an audience in wheelchairs.
They loved me. They even made a standing ovation.
Which was suspicious.

The main problem with the Hitchhiker's Guide's "Heart of Gold" was that it didn't conform to Health and Safe Tea regulations.

What did Spock say when Kirk asked what washing powder he uses?
"It's biological captain"

I got a rim job off a girl last night and I actually really liked it.
I must say my bike wheels have never looked so shiny

"My granny left me a brooch. It's got a hard, shiny coating, and dates from the time of Queen Victoria."
"Mother of pearl?"
"No, Edward the 7th."

"My granny left me a brooch. It's got a hard, shiny coating, and dates from the time of Queen Victoria."
"Mother of pearl?"
"No, Edward the 7th."

My father took his secrets to the grave. He murdered all his mistresses

What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.

Ecstatic;
Expression of pain and surprise given by a Yorkshireman when he gets an electric shock off his car.

You need several degrees to work at KFC.

I tell people that my job in the jam factory is quite glamourous but to be honest it's really jarring.

I tell people that my job in the jam factory is quite glamourous but to be honest it's really jarring.

Whenever they play a Chris Brown song on my Rihanna Pandora station...
...it kind of feels like a slap in the face.