A woodworm goes into a restaurant.
''Table for two please.''

Because of my age, I've had to give up my secret role as Veg-Man, the superhero guardian of allotments.
I'm no spring onion any more.

I hate having the top bunk. I always oversleep.

I was helping the midwife deliver my wife's baby earlier.
"Push!" shouted the midwife.
"I am but it wont go back in!" I screamed back.

I always wash my clothes at 40.
Last time I tried to wash them at 60 I got points on my licence.

My mate asked me if I would ever consider kissing a mirror.
To be honest, it's not really something I can see myself doing.

I was driving onto the back of the ferryboat when I saw a sign above the entrance in large white letters:
"Switch off your car alarm! Noncompliance will lead to a fine of 500 pounds."
That's a stern warning, I thought.

I met my wife on a morse code course, we were happy at first but then she left me.
She said I'd started sending out the wrong signals.

What do you call a fat man surrounded by several scantily-clad women?
A plimp

To Two 2 Too..
As if one isn't enough.

My mate Kane always runs whenever it gets really windy and it baffles me so i said "Oi, Are you in a hurry kane"?

When packing my suitcase before leaving a hotel, I get these urges.
I try to resist, but end up throwing in the towel.

A mate came to visit me the other week
''Did you come on the bus?'' I asked him.
His reply was ''Yes I did as a matter of fact ! The driver was not happy though.''

My wife ordered a pair of shoes last night.
Heston Blumenthal has gone too far this time.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
That is, unless you choke on it.

There are nine cows in a field, which one is from the middle east?
Cow eight.

My nan's retirement home is a very clothes-knit community.

Green tea: Nowhere near as fun as it sounds.

I just completed an obstacle course.
I'm now certified to prevent or hinder progress.

I'm sat watching a bloke in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoke a spliff. I've always wanted one of those high deaf TV's.

Anyone heard of my friend Maklegending??
He's a legend in the making.

I'm going to sue apple for false advertising, the guy at the genius bar couldn't even explain the theory of relativity to me.

When I was in America, I met one of those very large Americans. He said he fitted kitchens,
I said, "I bet you don't".

How were the Police caught unawares?
The MET office issued a warning about a tropical disturbance days ago.

How were the Police caught unawares?
The MET office issued a warning about a tropical disturbance days ago.