I lost control of my car and crashed into a tree last night.
This morning I went straight to the bodyshop.
I'm going to need a nice lavender bath after that ordeal.

spend some time at my daughters grave today.
shes not dead she just thinks im building a sandpit.

Fabrice Muamba retired from football.
He is reported to have said that his heart just wasn't in the right place.

So,I see McDonald's new slogan is "We do Happy!"
But I find Grumpy or Sleepy generally more doable...

'The USA have not just beaten the world recrord, they 'blitzed' it!'
Not a good choice of words considering it was the German's record that was broken.

The guy who invented the rear view mirror is so proud of his achievements.
He's never looked back since.

What do you get when you toss a lettuce?
Salad cream.

Saw my wife ironing for once today, so I laughed.
Thats when the irony hit me.

My friend bet me 20 quid I couldn't be a dog walker.
I took him on, knowing it'd be a walk in the park.

They say, "Once you go black you never go back!"
I say, " Everything taste better on a Cracker!"

My mate's just been fined 1000 for repeatedly ignoring warnings from the council about Noise pollution.
He thinks it's unfair but to be honest, I think it was a sound conviction

All the big supermarkets are set to bring out a budget bikini this summer.
It's no frills.

I'm not saying my son's a born pedant, but even as a young child, he would play correct-the-dots.

I said to my friend: 'I need a place to stay'
He said: 'Well, If you want you can crash at my place'
So I drove my car through the front of his house.

I said to my friend: 'I need a place to stay'
He said: 'Well, If you want you can crash at my place'
So I drove my car through the front of his house.

Cleanliness is next to godliness, which must mean I'm an ethnic deity.

I was walking past the Olympic Park today at Stratford and a bloke came up to me and said "Where are the Para's mate?".
"I think you will find they wont be starting untill the 29th August" I replied.
"Really, I thought they were doing the security now" He smirked.

Woke up this morning feeling like a cat.
YOLNT.

I really hate my job at the french cheese factory,
I camembert it anymore.

Tour de France was a bit tacky this year.

I asked the furniture removal guy how everything was going with my move.
"Sofa so good" he replied.

There are only 10 types of people in the world.
Those who get binary and those who don't.

Life as a mischief maker is easy!
After all, it's not difficult to turn women into bossy leaders.

I tried to book a flight home with BA this morning but he said 'I aint gettin on no plane'

Border Collies for sale.
Come, buy.