My girlfriend left me because I plan to far ahead into the future.
I'm not worrying though, I'll get her back one day.

I've just seen Andy Gray working in Tie Rack...
He told me to "take a bow son!"

A family of bears has broken into a holiday cabin in Norway and consumed more than 100 cans of beer.
To be fair, they had their name on them.

Saw a Shakespeare play in someones lungs.
It was Mcbreath

My mates a brilliant navigator but he's got a terrible stutter. He's called Tomtom.

I've just read a great book called "How To Maintain a Healthy Prostate" by I P Freely.

If you ever commit a serious crime you should turn yourself into the police.
That way you'll be more difficult to identify.

I had to leave my job at the milk factory.
I just couldn't bottle it.

I was driving down the motorway when i saw "Service station, 3 miles" with a sad face printed below it
I thought to myself, that's a worrying sign

Kobe will have a heap of energy for his next game after eating Rice all week

When chemists do it, they do it on a table... Periodically.

I was working in the mess hall of my Army base, and my Commanding Officer walked up to me.
'I'll have a cheeseburger and fries,' he said.
I said, 'Is that an order?'

I met this really hot girl at work today.
I'm a fireman.

I wish people would stop making fun of my name.
Sirius lee

To claim a football net.
That's my goal.

I hate it when people make smelling mistakes.

I picked up a traveller on the motorway and asked him the nearest place to get a chocolate bar. He duly obliged.
Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy

As a combat pilot, I'm trained to escape from the plane whenever I get into difficulties. My problem is that I do it before I get into any sort of difficulties whatsoever.
I'm a premature ejectulator.

My washing machine is broke. It can't even afford fabric softener.

Border Collies for sale.
Come, buy.

I tried to book a flight home with BA this morning but he said 'I aint gettin on no plane'

Life as a mischief maker is easy!
After all, it's not difficult to turn women into bossy leaders.

There are only 10 types of people in the world.
Those who get binary and those who don't.

I asked the furniture removal guy how everything was going with my move.
"Sofa so good" he replied.

Tour de France was a bit tacky this year.