You're never more than three yards away from a mattress on a council estate.

Jimi Hendrix would have found it a lot easier to get sponsorship deals if he hadn't burned all his bridges.

I've just finished making my first horror film. Due to budget constraints, all the intestines were faked using pasta.
Well, it's not really a horror, I guess. More of a penne dreadful.

I'm so annoyed that I've lost my book of evil spells.
Curses!

David Cameron is in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia's Vladimir Putin. He said 'I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.'
There's no word on how David responded.

My dad said he hated my job as a ventriloquist and that he never wanted to see me do an impression again.
I replied, "Talk to the hand."

I found a sweet little note from my wife in my lunchbox which read: 'I'll love you while you're at work today.'
I've looked forward to coming home all day.
Not sure where she is though, maybe she's popped out for my dyslexia medication.
And taken all her stuff with her.

The Shard.
Is it a memorial to posh Holocaust victims?.

What's the difference between humour and odour? Humour is a shift of whit..........

What do you call a man with no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
What does he call his son?
Buoy

In the grand scheme of things.
It was the nicest housing estate I'd ever seen.

Someone has just ripped off my novel about a successful farmer.
'Fifty sheds of hay'.

I used to have an unusually strong appreciation for wordplay, but that was once a pun a time.

Kat Slater has been attracting a lot of attention these days.
She must be over the moon.

The second World War?
That must have been the shortest War ever.

During the sudden death pub quiz question last night the compare asked, "What country lies between Ukraine and Romania?"
We gave up after a few minutes, but it was mulled over.

I was just in ASDA.
They're doing a 2 for 1 deal on scissor.

Lost my job at the nursing home today
I just don't care any more.

I tell you what gets my back up at work.
That little handle on my chair.

I told my girlfriend that she would find a cannalloni in the fridge when she got home from work.
I've drank five of her Peroni's.

So after many days of heartache, celebration and emotion, the flame has finally been extinguished,
At the closing Crematory.

I always look up to my best mate.
He's 6'10".

What do Roman Abramovich and Gary Glitter have in common?
They both love fiddling with things they shouldn't.

"We'll both have to face it eventually." I told my wife.
But for now, the new mirror remained under wraps.

"Are you taking me out on the town tonight?" asked my wife. "Yeh sure." I replied. At least it's not on me for once.