I'd like to become an oncologist. It's a job with growth opportunities.

There's a new Fish and Chip shop opened up in my area so I thought I would go.
What a lovely plaice.

I've been busy painting my fence this morning.
It makes it much more difficult for the police to recognise him when he's selling my stolen goods in the local pub.

I regretted lying on my application form for my new job today as I was thrown straight into the deep end and failed miserably.
Not being able to swim was always going to be hinderance as a lifeguard.

Bought a one trick pony.
Frankly, he is not even good at that. His card control is useless.

Report of a duel between Alexander Shott and John Nott, in June 1849:
Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case, it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot, but Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

I just started my new job.
I upgrade fairytale houses that are made from straw or sticks.
Its not much, but it keeps the wolf from the door.

My history teacher enjoyed his birthday party, but I am still not sure he likes the present.

I've taken up archery and make my own arrows but they never stick in anything I fire them at.
Am I missing the point?

My Jewish friend has just started a cmpany that sells high quality dog leads
It's called "Muzzle-tough"

Napoleon Dynamite, the only kind of dynamite that's never going to Bang.

I recently dated a recluse, but I had to end it. I just couldn't see us going anywhere.....

I love giving directions.
It's right up my street

Went for a drive in the countryside today and went past a field full of Italian gangster stereotypes bailing up straw
Must be the Mafias heyday.

Haye had a toe-tle nightmare.

I've just played my first round of golf this evening. It was 590 yards to the first pin, I thought that's a fairway.

BBC News: Rapists sentence to be halfed if they admit it. Yes your honour, i did ra

My wife went mental this morning when she discovered I'd used 'Just For Men' on our pet duck.
But it's all dyed down now.

In a chemistry lesson my mate thought it would be funny to throw Hydrochloric acid and magnesium at me, but it backfired.
I didn't react.

I could never be a Buddhist, I'm a little zenophobic.

I have a tendency just to move sideways after I've woken up.
I'm usually a bit crabby in the morning.

Blackbuster - Bringing other people's entertainment home.

I've misplaced the bottom of all my shoes somehow.
I'm going to have to do some sole searching.

Daily Mirror: Baggy pupil uniform 'to stop pervs'
I think a West Bromwich Albion football kit is enough put anyone off!

A hand in the bird is worth two on the bush.