How d'you make a witch itch?
Take away her W.
How d'you make my girlfriend itch?
Take away her B.

My Britan's got talent app wasn't working yesterday, so i rang up the company.
Im not worrying though, apparently it's all fixed now.

I just couldn't seem to remember why it's a bad idea to shoot your load up in the air.
But it's all coming back to me now.

I used to do illegal carpentry, until I was arrested by the vice squad.

What do you call a Sikh paedophile?
Abu Singh.

My girlfriend left me because I have a defensive personality
So I tackled her outside the box and took a free kick

I'm buying my wife a new treadmill soon.
She already has one but she's run it into the ground.

The suit I've chosen for my own funeral is a secret.
I'll take it to my grave.

I've got my wife eating out of the palm of my hand...
It saves on the washing up

My friend and I were discussing career choices when he brought up Gynecology.
Something I can look into.

I've just murdered my whole family because a cult brainwashed me.
At least my conscious is clean.

I hold the record for most rides on that big Ferris wheel in London. I'm somewhat of a celebrity.
I've been in the public eye for years.

After a monster dinner tonight I'm setting a webcam live stream show up from my bathroom, it's called the two-and-a-half pound drop

I walked into a chemical shop and asked what nitrates were on offer.
The shopkeeper replied with "Well I suppose you could sleep in the storeroom, but it will cost you a tenner"

My uncle died in his canoe when a strong current took him away. Water way to go.

There's a lot of animosity between my scruffy haired mates.
They just don't gel.

I spent my life trying to discover the key to immortality but I've come to a dead end.

I wrote a song of celebration regarding the recent burial of Osama Bin Laden.
Appropriately, I tuned my guitar to drop sea.

"Mayweather is looking at 34 years inside"
Ironic thing being, he May never see Weather again.

I made a mistake at work today. I was supposed to be performing brain surgery, but instead I performed a blood transfusion.
So all my efforts were in vein.

I've just left my wife and can't see myself going back.
Unfortunately I can't stay in the bathroom forever.

My neighbor keeps getting up earlier and earlier to get his news paper.
I just cant take it any more !

I'm addicted to the internet game Tetris, and it's seriously getting out of control.
All I can think of is where my next line is coming from.

My Granddad gave me an unexploded grenade from the First World War and said, "Take this to auction and see how much you can get for it"
Later that day I came home and he said, "So? How much was it worth?"
I said, "They offered me a thousand pounds"
He said, "Where is it then?"
I said, "Sorry Granddad I blew it in the Paki shop"
He said, "You blew a thousand pounds in a Paki shop?"
I said, "A thousand pounds? I didn't even sell it"

I have really cheesy feet.
The other day I found them in the living room watching Glee.