BBC news: Libyan rebels sweeping westward.
They may be causing carnage but at least they are cleaning up after themselves.

I've become an expert of types of paper.
I could write a book on them.

I went to Blockbusters yesterday to get a DVD.
I said "Can I get a comedy series?"
He said "Extras?"
I replied "Well, I suppose a handjob wouldn't go amiss."

Just had an argument with the Wife. She thought that she had lost half a stone, until I correctly pointed out that the digital scales were on the blink and were always showing 6 pounds lighter than they should be.
She was stroppy at first, but she soon saw the error of her weighs.

I've been a happily married man for 30 years. But recently I've taken to hiding in the Wardrobe and watching my Step Son get changed. I've just come into the closet.

After months of persuasion, I have finally given in to my girlfriends demands and got me and my mate to give her a spit roast.
I forgot how good Harverster's were.

I think narcissists should take a long hard look at themselves.

I'm in the doghouse with my wife.
There's not enough room for both of us, I dunno why we bothered.

I was eating a Magnum, when I thought "Glocks taste better."

My grandfather used to be the best contract killer in the business. He could hit a letter of fine print from 200 feet away.

BBC News: Laser gun fired from US navy ship
Mr Gun is now looking for another job.

My missus said yesterday that she fancied a bit.
So I gave her one. And a bridle, saddle and stirrups to match.

This is the last time I tell anybody that I do not want to be cloned.
I will not repeat myself.

A small detachable part for a machine or apparatus.
Yes, that's a fitting description.

There was a fire at my discount carpet warehouse last night.
I was just left with the remnants.

My days of casually inserting the names of places into my sentences are Dover.

I have a miniature cat. It was born a normal kitten but I only fed it condensed milk.

My mate just got hold of one of them machines that can always tell if you're lying or not.
A Wife

I hate being in a place where I don't speak the primary language.
It's getting harder and harder to live in Bradford.

If one more person calls me melodramatic, I'm going to kill myself.

Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I'm both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac.
I don't know how to take it.

I hate living in a hard water area..
Or Iceland as they call it.

I saw a stand up comedian-psychic today...
He was saying what we were all thinking.

My son said his first word today and I'm pretty sure he'll become quite the linguist. He said, "esarhp"
It was a wonderful turn of phrase.

I just ate a beautiful Chinese.
Would've prefered if she had a brazilian.