I have a miniature cat. It was born a normal kitten but I only fed it condensed milk.

My mate just got hold of one of them machines that can always tell if you're lying or not.
A Wife

I hate being in a place where I don't speak the primary language.
It's getting harder and harder to live in Bradford.

If one more person calls me melodramatic, I'm going to kill myself.

Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I'm both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac.
I don't know how to take it.

I've just joined a Welsh White supremacist group.
The Llu Llux Llan

I've just bought myself a new four storey house. I'm only going to live on the ground floor, that's my living quarters.

My girlfriend told me that I'm too violent and that I 'treat her like an object'
So, in an effort to prove her wrong, I punched her in the face. Which kind of defeated the object.

I'll tell you what really makes me mad.
Infected beef.

Recently, I've been exploring an exciting new avenue. There was me thinking my finger was too wide

I spent all my money buying early 17th century musical instruments.
It left me baroque.

I recently purchased a dog tag.
Rex is a criminal and needs to be monitored

I'm going to be Frank - I think I have a split personality.

I was so drunk last night that I slept on a clothes horse.
I woke up hung over the next morning.

I visited the moon last week and it didn't have a good atmosphere and the people weren't very down to earth

In a desperate attempt to impress my new girlfriend, I decided to show off by naming all the elements in the periodic table, but she wasn't impressed.
I guess I lacked the Chemistry.

My friend had such bad asthma, even though he's dead
he's STILL having a coffin fit.

My mates always say that I have luck on my side.
I prefer to call it an oddly shaped birth mark.

My missus had a go at me today...
It was a pretty good impression actually.

I don't agree with animal testing.
Unless they really need a driving license.

I've found a fighting club where members meet their wives up to fight ...
I've put mine in the division for heavymates.

I've finally grasped the difference between the real world and the Internet world.
Well, virtually.

At nearly 7 miles deep, the Mariana Trench just goes to show that sea-chasm truly is the lowest form of wet.

I've always eaten my food in a military fashion, shuffling the vegetables in the middle, within a mash potato wall, surrounded with a gravy moat ..
There's no escapeas on my watch.

It's my first day at the cheese factory and I hate it already. With no instruction, they just told me to separate the curds in this huge vat.
I'm in whey over my head.