I just can't get to grips with all this snow and ice at the moment.

I recently saw this girl while I was out one day, Our eyes kept meeting but neither of us had the courage to talk to each other. Eventually I went over to break the ice.
Thats when I was asked to leave the ice rink.

Someone's set my snooze to come on every 30 seconds.
I'll never get back to sleep at this rate.

My girlfriend got us front row tickets to see Ricky Gervais live.
It seems like a waste of money to me, he's been living perfectly well for the last 49 years without people paying to watch it.

My mates were all calling me up trying to get me to go down the pub with them but my girlfriend wanted me to stay in with her.
In the end I gave in to the beer group pressure.

I was eating my lunch with some dirty spade at work yesterday.
I thought to myself, "Should've used a fork really".

I tried changing channels earlier but realised the batteries were gone.
It's out of my control.

Elitism.
It's not for everyone.

I got caught cheating during an exam today.
I didn't even know my girlfriend was sitting the same one as me.

A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body,
he was asked what he was doing and he answered...
I'm waiting for Autumn.

I had to pull the plug on my dear old granddad this morning.
He sat freezing in the bath for hours.

Everytime I go anywhere, my suspicious wife follows me while pulling tricks on a skateboard.
She watches me like a Hawk.

President Bush claims UK lives were saved by waterboarding,
That idiot will say anything, I suppose they could have Jet-Ski'd to prevent 9/11.

My wife got home from work so I drew her a nice, deep, hot bath.
And wrote some cleaning instructions underneath it.
Then I drew an oven.

My undertaker business has recently gone bust. A rival company was running my business into the ground.

When you're writing, when should you use a question mark.

What animal can go through it's whole life without sleeping?
Audley Harrison because he never hits the Haye.

I went to shop to get a few things but when I got to the till I realised I didn't have any money.
'Do you take cards?' I asked. She nodded her head and grabbed the card reader.
'No need for that,' I said putting a card on the counter. 'Merry Christmas.'

My mate goes for regular check-up's.
He's an upskirt specialist.

Living with my wife is much like being a Millwall supporter. When the season starts you know it's going to kick off.

I used to have a pet clay pigeon. I made the mistake of calling him 'Paul'.

BBC News: 'Hundreds of trout found dead in Cornwall river'
There's definitely something fishy about this.

I can turn my head 180 degrees.
In hindsight,that's not a bad thing.

I like my women how I like my guns;
Silenced and spitting out my load.

What's the one thing a woman can't make a meal out of?
Food.