I was driving along when I saw a sign: "Advanced warning: Road closed between October 24th and November 3rd."
I thought, "Actually, that's a pretty basic warning."

So Jermain Defoe can do a hat trick?
He should see the trick i can do with some lube and a guinea pig.

When your wife puts on more weight, she'll also have the cheek to become more argumentative, unreasonable and basically obnoxious.
And the only thing you'll get from her is a load of Fattytude...

After sharing a mixed grill at a racecourse with my wife. We thought we'd go and place a few bets.
When our stakes came up on the first race. We decided, we won't be eating here again.

My girlfriend likes to buy unusual presents for birthdays and xmas. This year for my birthday she bought me a lamp post...
'it will brighten up peoples' lifes' she said
its right up my street

I saw a woman do a three point turn.
There were actually four of us pointing and laughing, but one was a woman and she doesn't count.

I just got home and found my wife waiting for me in just knee-high leather boots and a tiny g-string. Needless to say I'm going to be busy all afternoon...
It'll take me ages to retune my guitar.

I've been flat out ironing all day

I've just been crowned "World Champion Liar"

I was in a caf in Paris last week, and this French woman wouldn't give me any chocolate pancakes. So I crpe'd her.

I club spades for diamonds 'til their hearts stop.

I was at a funeral early on today, though sad as it was there was lots to do and even a band to celebrate their send off! I'd say I had a pretty eventful mourning

My wife could suck a golf ball through a hose-pipe.
We've got a really good hoover.

I tried to cook lobster for my wife and I's anniversary dinner.
It went to pot.

When I put rubbers over my dad's eyes, he looked surprised.
Erased his eyebrows.

My girlfriend came home from work laughing. She said "I've just heard the funniest thing about that hedge in the front garden!"
I told her to shut up. I hate privet jokes.

How does Wicket get to work?
Ewoks.

I've spent pretty much the whole day just wandering the streets and showing people my tackle.
Everyone seemed to enjoy it, especially the rugby fans.

What tunes will make a woman fall in love with you?
Fortunes.

Just saw a bird with with a T-shirt with ''Run for life'' on the back.
If that's not motivation, I don't know what is.

I purchased a new car the other day and it seemed good at first, but it stops everyday between 12 and 3 in the afternoon.
It's a Ford Siesta.

I hate listenning to smackheads tell a story
They methadrone on and on

My great-grandfather sat and watched
the entire Forth Rail Bridge being built.
He was riveted.

I was checking my junk emails earlier when I came across one offering me free angling equipment. All they wanted was a few personal details.
I hate fishing scams.

I used to have respect for builders.
But the cracks were starting to show.