Peter Crouch.
There's a man I've always looked up to.

My mate's selling all his Status Quo collection ...
He's got whatever you want.

When my opponent turned up for our table tennis final wearing a pheasant mask, I knew I was in for a tough match.
He had his game face on.

I tied up my wife the other day.
Now she's a ladyboy.

Where does Gandalf keep his stick?
In the staff room

Michael Laudrup is set to be named new Swansea boss.
I don't know why he's changing his name and to something as stupid as that.

Isn't it pointless to keep bailing out a certain Mediterranean country in the Eurozone?
The money would have been more useful if it was printed on Greaseproof paper in the first place.

In Sweden, there are a total of 10 deaths due to car crashes everyday with a moose
being at least one of the casualties.
That must be why Sweden are such a good looking nation then.

A builder's van said 'Call us for a free quote' so I did. They answered "Get off your horse & drink your milk."
Sounds like a bunch of cowboys to me.

Why are they called missiles... if they're supposed to hit their target?

My wife came downstairs this morning, horrified, to find me supping a can of Strongbow.
"It's one of my 5 a day," I claimed.
"Cider doesn't count as a fruit, you know".
"Who said anything about fruit?" I asked.

There once was a man from Strathclyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
His younger brother
Fell down another
And now they're interred side by side

My wife works from home on the computer and she's getting pretty fat. So the next time she left the house.....
I deleted all her cookies.

just drank a pint of food colouring!!, Do you think I will dye?

I've just got a nice little part-time job at the local funeral home....
I only work mournings.

I'm also a doctor, and - coincidentally - one of my patients also called me up to tell me her eyes had gone black.
"Well, they'll never go back", I told her.

What's the difference between a condom and S Club 7?
S Club 7 split 9 months after my son was born

"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."
Not the best thing to sing outside an impotent support group.

I've been on the road for 3 years now.
That's probably why I always feel run down.

I was reading 'War and Peace' in bed last night, when my wife said, "What made you want to read that?"
I said, "It's a long story."

Me and the girlfriend just arrived in Vietnam, and I was soon sent into hysterics finding out that the currency there is called the dong.
"It's not that funny," she scolded, as I was laughing my head off.
She soon shut up when I told her I'd put my money where her mouth is.

The recent cancellation of Sonisphere was disconcerting.

Im making a chicken bake tonight.
Its about time i had a night off from cooking.

Teacher: what is the difference between - Call Girl, Girl Friend and Wife??
Student replied: Prepaid, Postpaid and Unlimited

As a Tourettes sufferer, I lead a cursed life.