I told my girlfriend that she's like a bottle of milk.
"What? Curvy hips and skinny up top?", she whispered excitedly.
"No, you've been around too long, become chunky and make me
sick to my stomach", I replied.

I went to the petrol station the other day and I said to the cashier,
"Have you got any Twix?"
"Yes," he replied and started juggling.

How do you seduce Iron Man?
Ferro moans.

Statistically 99% of people believe knighthood is totally justified.
-Sir Vey.

My boss asked what I made of January's sales reports.
Apparently answering 'paper aeroplanes' is a good way to get fired.

Why are sandwich fillings so thick?
Because they're all in bread.

My brother loves real ale but never comes along to the drinking club with me.
I think he's camra shy.

In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist.
It was the stuff of knight mares

I went in to the barbers earlier for a haircut and beard trim. Not sure what happened, but I've just woke up on life support with half my face missing.
The doctor told me it was a close shave.

Just found out my mate died in an explosion in an internet cafe
Rest in PCs Dave

I think my Stephen Hawking action figure is broken.

I see the pope has started to use eBay.
I wonder if he pays with papal.

My wife said to me
"You've turned me into a bitter person"
"That's odd because I'm a lager man myself" I replied

I hate bottled beer.
They're uncanny.

The left side of the brain is responsible for speech....mind you it would say that wouldn't it?

Had a disastrous date with a hair stylist last night.
We didn't gel.

I went on Dragons' Den to pitch my new asphyxiation game.
But I choked.

I've always wondered...
Do geese see God?
But believing in something fictional is very backward, very backward indeed.

I don't know the meaning of the word insomnia,
but it keeps me up at night thinking about it

Just heard someone say, "It's better to be safe than Soz"
I hope they get hit by a Loz.

I Dont know why my wife says pregnancy hurts,
it sounds like a right knee's up.

I was cooking for master chef the other day, and Gregg Wallace said I needed to add more cloves to my curry.
He didn't look impressed when he choked on a sock.

My German friend walked up me yesterday and asked me if I could try some sausages he had just made, after I declined he asked why, and I replied:
"you should always be your own wurst critic."

There was a downs syndrome that worked in a museum all his life just sweeping up, he used one broom his entire working life.
Talk about tard with the same brush.

my science teacher wasn't best impressed with me because apparently crustacean isn't when you hit a Chinese man with a bus ...